If Tango still existed for me to be working at and I was doing so, this would be my two-year anniversary of working at Tango. Regardless of all that, it is in fact my two-year anniversary of being an Official Java Programmer. It doesn't seem like two years ago, but infinitely longer... I've changed so much. No surprise there, but still, contemplating my memories of that summer, working with Java, getting to know Omi, getting to know Rachel so much better, Rachel trying to and suceeding in getting pregnant, burning my feet (walking barefoot on hot sidewalks -- what was I thinking?), going shoe shopping with Gretchen, learning how to live with Jim -- so much stuff! And now I take most of it for granted, or have forgotten about it entirely.

As well as my two-year anniversary of working at the no longer existing Tango, Tuesday was also my two-year anniversary of moving in with Jim. We celebrated this by going to Great America, riding Stealth (which was incredible) and many other rides, getting horribly sunburned and drinking Icees. I discovered to my chagrin that although I don't really like Surge, Surge Icees are really good. I'd be addicted if I had any idea where to get them beyond one particular refreshment stand at Great America. I also discovered that I do not have the tolerance for roller coasters that I once did; I think I am blaming the heat for that. Still, I had fun. A lot of fun. It was so nice just to be with Jim, doing something for ourselves without having to worry about being anywhere in particular. Lately we're both so busy (how can I be so busy without a job, I ask?) that time to just hang out together and relax has been pretty limited. Even though we're managing to spend a lot of time cuddling up and watching anime, for me it's always with the constant knowledge that he needs to go to sleep at a reasonable time so he can get up insanely early and catch the train. I'm not good at ignoring this whole time thing.

After Great America we went home, showered (there had been a lot of sweating), consoled each other on our horrible sunburns, and eventually went to the Mango Cafe for dinner. Yum. Then home, to watch anime and get all cuddly and eventually fall asleep, very contentedly on my part, with my head on Jim's shoulder. Happiness.

Reading over this I'm utterly unsatisfied; it doesn't catch any of the emotion I want to catch, which is how content and happy I am, how wonderful it is to be with him, how constantly glad I am every single day to have him in my life. That's what I was really celebrating on Tuesday; not just that we've been living together happily for two years, but that the happiness is a thing that's always growing. I wanted to find a metaphor here, maybe a garden like Heather Alexander uses in a song of hers I don't like all that much, but it just wouldn't come out right; it seemed to trivialise something I find profound and deep. Perhaps some things are just too private to describe accurately; I can keeping telling you forever, gentle reader, just how I feel, but I don't think I'll ever be able to explain just what it is to be involved with Jim. Nichijou kiseki -- an everyday miracle.

(And that's probably not grammatically correct Japanese, since I think nichijou (everyday) needs to be altered somewhat to make it an adjective. But I'm not sure.)

Speaking of not being good with time, I am having nervous fits about it right now. I need to leave for gaming soon, and I don't know if Jim is coming home or not and I can't concentrate on writing because I keep worrying about the time. All right, so I called Jim on his cell phone and now I know he should be home in twenty minutes, and I should be able to focus now, right? Hah. Wrong. Now I will keep looking at the clock anxiously, worried that I will be in the middle of some nice thought when he arrives, trying to write faster so I can get it all down before he gets here and knowing I can't. I'm such a silly little ninny-noddle sometimes. The wisest course of action is to quit writing for the moment and play SMAC instead. So I shall.

All right. I'm back from gaming. I've decided a thorough catching up is needed. Prepare yourself!

First, the LaRP. The LaRP was Swordspoint, written by Kevin Maginn, based on the book of the same name by Ellen Kushner. It went from Friday night to Sunday afternoon, although I didn't do anything Friday night except get my binder (with my character in it) and say hello to Lance, who self-sacrificingly took a break from grad school at MIT to come play for the weekend. I made up for this, however, by spending all of Saturday (9am to midnight, plus two and a half hours of secret planning -- so yes, I was up until about 3:00) and most of Sunday (9am to 3pm or so) playing. It was my first weekend LaRP, but even so I feel safe in saying it was very good. Even if it wasn't objectively very good, I enjoyed it immensely. By turns it was involving, confusing, emotionally intense, mentally engaging, draining, quite silly, physically exhausting... I could steal most adjectives there are and still not show everything it was. I don't think I've done anything so thoroughly emotionally tiring since -- since I quit mudding. And this was even more intense than mudding; VR may compress time, but a LaRP is a little tightly-bound box, and anything you don't manage to work into the thirty-six or so hours it contains is gone forever. During the course of playing a mud character I would usually find out how they handled most every emotion, but that would be over months, not days. Maybe I shouldn't be so surprised I felt drained. The only frustrating thing about the LaRP is that my character was sufficiently constrained by her social role that she never let her emotions out. This led to a sobbing session on Monday, which fortunately ended in time for me to make my interview -- but more on that in a moment.

How else was the LaRP? I steal words I wrote to Moria, and change them slightly to belong here:

It was fun, but also was very draining in a way I don't know how to describe. Like reading a very good book for 36 hours straight and then when you finish the book it vanishes entirely; you can never go back and reread it. And not only that, but only 40 or 50 other people in the world have ever read the book, so the number of people you can talk to about your wonderful experience who will really understand it is very small. It really is like that; a very intense strange fictional experience that only a small number of other people share, and unlike most fictional experiences you can't just point them to the source and talk to them about it after they've read the book or seen the movie. Very frustrating, that.

(Is it wrong to blockquote oneself? Ah, well.)

I do think that's a good description of it. I spent all of my time with Norm on Wednesday talking to him about how fulfilling I find it to play in a LaRP, and how critical I am of myself for finding something so emotionally draining to be fulfilling. He said nice supportive things which cut down on the self-criticism some, but as I write about it here I imagine you, my reader, thinking 'What an utter moron she must be to spend all weekend doing something which made her have a crying fit on Monday morning.' Maybe so, maybe so, but it was worth it. I don't know how to explain why, but it really was.

Secondly... I was going to talk about Monday, wasn't I? I had an interview Monday with the EJO (Exciting Job Opportunity, for those of you just joining us). It was strange but good. Strange because, as often seems to be the case, they didn't ask me any 'real' questions. I kept expecting someone to leap out of their chair and demand that I tell them what an outer join is, but nobody did. In one sense this is nice, but in another it makes me wonder if they're so uninterested in hiring me that they just don't care if I actually know Java and so forth. Really, would they just take my word on it? That seems wrong. Anyway, the interview was also strange because I'd just spent about twenty minutes crying into my feather comforter, getting out everything that'd built up during the LaRP, and it's always a surprise to me when I switch so smoothly from intense emotion to calm intellectual discussion. I think the interview went well, but I'm unsure if they're going to make me an offer; I don't think I was sufficiently enthusiastic about the position. Or maybe I'm just hoping they don't make me an offer so I don't have to decide if I want to be a chip designer instead of a java developer.

Sleepy now. It's almost 11. I will get this put up and then investigate the bed. And all without telling you about going to the mall with Rachel, buying jeans, and getting to carry adorable Miriam-chan around a lot. Maybe tomorrow.