Writing, I mean. I have good intentions, but lately my emotional state has been such a ragged irritating thing that sitting down and actually writing about _how I feel_ seems just -- insane. Why would I want to inflict this on you? Why would I want a record of my painful ups and downs to cringe over later? And, most of all, what if you think this is how I really feel?

How I really feel. You see, there's the problem. When I am upset and depressed I feel it very intensely, but it rarely lingers. If you read a snapshot of me when I'm unhappy you might think my life is nothing but constant unhappiness, and that'd be a poor & dishonest picture.

If I wasn't obsessed with honesty this would all be easier.

So! How am I?

I'm living in Los Angeles, as was long planned. I dislike it intensely, but the reasons remain obscure. My job is pretty ideal (sysadmin at a startup with a reasonable amount of responsibility, although not as much authority as might make things move along quicker), and I have a very nice apartment with wooden floors and many windows and *stairs* for my cat to race up and down.

What's actually wrong? There are many granular bits (lack of a social life outside of Earl, people making the wrong assumptions due to a different industry being prevelant), but they seem to boil down to the fact that Mountain View is, emphatically, home. Home in a way Oklahoma never was, for all that I grew up there. Mountain View is where I choose to be, and to find myself in Los Angeles instead leaves me feeling bewildered and unhappy.

And, well, I miss people. I miss Jim. I miss Rachel and Czr and Trip, and the rest of the horde, even those who I rarely saw. I hate going home from work and knowing that I can't just pick up the phone & go out to dinner with my friends.

Why am I still living in Los Angeles? Mostly because I don't have a job back in the Bay Area yet. I decided about two weeks ago that enough was enough, told my manager here that I'm leaving, and started job-hunting. I've got a phone interview with Taos (my old contracting house) on Thursday, plus some leads at a few other places. Within the next month I should be back in my proper environment.

Until then I make no promises for regular appearances of this journal. It is, as I said, very hard for me to write right now. I will, however, continue to try.