I'm having a very hard time with words today... writing new entries, polishing up the lingering July ones that want to be heard. My focus keeps sliding off of things, slick like glass and shattering on the hard ground. Why? It's not the usual spiral of no food leading to depression which makes me too apathetic to get food. I didn't eat a real lunch today, but I had a plum and some bread and several of these weird maple waffle pastries. No, I'm not unhappy, just frustrated that every time I try attaching my attention to something it fades away immediately.

And then reading back over that I giggle at myself; I spent several hours this morning is pure focused writing, turning the dream I had last night into something like a story. The dream was all sweeps of emotion and stunning visuals, with a few stepping stones that made it almost like a plot. Writing it I gave it more of a line, beginning to end, and added some dialogue to explain the things that in the dream I just knew. From the reactions people have had to the final product I think I got it right, said enough to make it interesting while still conveying the deep feel of it.

So that was this morning. Then I did my self-review, and handled tons of email that had piled up while I was in sunny Chicago, and waffled about gaming. Finally after much waffling I determined that there was too much I wanted to get done for gaming to be feasible. I still feel somewhat guilty about it, though, and I'm not sure why. Maybe because writing in my journal doesn't seem like it should be important enough? I really, really don't know. For once I'm not in the mood to analyse and counter-analyse my reactions to things.

Hah. My ability to use words seems to have finally come back, just in time for me to decide I'm going home. If I'm extremely virtuous I'll clean up the living room; Rachel's birthday party is happening at our place on Sunday, and there is much cleaning to do before then. I should at least get all my stuff out of the living room so that Saturday I can vacuum more easily.

I did go to gaming. I didn't mean to, but I got home and the phone rang three times in a row; Czr calling to convince me to come to gaming (which the machine got), followed by Marith calling to ask me to go to coffee, followed by Czr again. I ranted briefly at Marith and pulled myself together for gaming, warning Czr he had to be really nice to me. Which he was; nice and sweet and very warm. So I ended up having a good time, even though I was frustrated about the whole situation. It's really annoying to enjoy gaming while I'm doing it but be anywhere from apathetic to angry about the prospect the rest of the time. Fortunately (I think) we seem to have talked Harold into running AD&D for us when this campaign is over, which it should be as soon as we finish the fight we're currently in. Somehow D&D seems like something I can look forward to easily; it's so straightforward.