Los Angeles in less than six months. How am I going to survive this?

My exam went much better than it had any right to, although I woke up at 6am this morning and spent forty minutes agonising over the fourth question. I got one part of it very wrong indeed, although I think I somehow managed to get the rest of it right. My problem is that I get too caught up in the processes and fail to see really obvious things about the problems I'm working. This is weird, because the reason I'm a good sysadmin is that I can come up with non-conventional ways to use the tools I have. Why can I do that with Unix and not with mathematics?

(This is the point where I remember that I've been using Unix for six years now, and only actively working with math (instead of passively suffering through it) for seven months.)

I just got a call from my account manager at Taos -- not my direct manager, but the person who interfaces with people here at Cadence and convinces them that they want more Taos people and such. She was calling to get someone's phone number, but while we were on the phone she told me that MCI Systemhouse (the group that Cadence outsourced their MIS management to -- MCI then hires various contractors to do the actual technical work) told Taos 'give us another Cera Kruger'.

Wow. I guess I must be doing something right. I wonder who Taos will send? I wonder if that person will feel like I did when I showed up at SGI and was expected to be as good as Vern Hart? Yah, I know, that's egotistical. I'm not _that_ good, not yet. But I think I'm better than I honestly give myself credit for.

Liralen wrote in her journal that she was surprised that people can live without the belief that they can accomplish anything they want, which made me start to think about that again.

I know most people consider themselves limited. People seem to decide 'I am good at these one or two things, and I can't ever go beyond them.' The more secure people are, the larger the ranges get -- but still, most people have a limit they've set for themselves.

Liralen doesn't, really. She believes she can do anything she sets her mind to. Earl ... I'm not sure if Earl actually believes things, come to that. But I've never heard him limiting himself, except in that he doesn't do things which don't interest him.

And where do I stand in all of this? Well, I don't believe I can do anything I want to. I'm really far too insecure to believe that... but I've decided to pretend that I do, in spite of myself. Choosing to approach life as though I have no limits makes so much more possible, and as time goes on I find myself believing more and pretending less.

It seems to be working. I'm definitely happier than I used to be.