Today has been scattered, although I've managed to get good work accomplished despite this. I had lunch with Bryant, which was really nice; we talked about social dynamics and gossiped cheerfully about our friends and I had a chance to catch up on his life. The only problem with this was that it took about two hours out of my day -- and today started pretty late, since I overslept heavily and was very lazy about getting around this morning.

Dinner last night with John was a lot of fun. We had sushi (avacado and ginger maki, yum!), and then walked around Castro window shopping. There was some internal confusion when we went into the aquarium store, and I ended up getting pushed back a bit, but I just let it happen and it after about ten minutes things went back to usual. I'm not even sure John noticed, which is also fine; it's nice not to have to explain these things. Anyway, we talked about relationships (he has a new one) and whether or not we should be worried about some friends, and other things; basically light gossip, except made less light by both of us caring a lot about the people involved. It was nice, and we've decided to try to see each other on a weekly basis, although we're both aware it'll degenerate to biweekly pretty fast.

I spent a lot of yesterday talking to Liralen, and more time today. This is good and more than good; sometime while I wasn't looking she's become a real part of my life. She's very calm and supportive when I need that, always thoughtful, very open, sometimes beautifully intense... it's wonderful. All of that, and I think I'm giving it back to her, and sometimes when she's tangled I can help her sort it out. This whole experience is doing something really deep and good for me, and I don't know how to describe it exactly. When I took BAMM I wrote some about how taking the class had made me realise that I have things to give. This growing closeness with Liralen is making me realise it too, strongly, and it's also letting me have a chance to give from the heart without fear. Caution, yes, but never so far that stomach-wrenching fear where there's nowhere to stand and everything is grey and swirling.

I've been reading her entries and pondering all the emotional stuff she reveals; I do that sometimes but I haven't been this week. It's all been dry factual except for the occasional burst of stress. Why? Mostly because I've been feeling good. Stressed on Tuesday, but the rest of the time quietly, competently good. I feel on top of things in my life for the moment (a pleasant illusion), and things with Jim are just deep-down solidly wonderful, and I am being a source of strength and comfort and richness to many of my friends without being overwhelmed, and I'm finding exciting and intensity through roleplaying. And somehow it feels rude to be this pleased with myself, because smugness isn't really flattering or interesting to read.

And reading back over that I think about the bad things which were going on with the good, earlier in the week; a nightmare on Sunday night that's been hard to figure out, and terror on trying to sleep the two nights afterward. Talking to Norm got rid of the night-terror, but the nightmare remains, bulky and awkward, defying my attempts to figure it out. It's interesting to me how quickly all of that stuff fades from my mind; as soon as I'm happy I tend to forget any recent unhappiness. Defense mechanism, of course, but one that seems unlikely to come down any time soon.

Tonight people are coming over to watch Sailor Moon again; it's been weeks and weeks since we've done this and I'm sure everyone has forgotten what's going on. I'm a little uneasy about it, since we're now moving into the episodes that freaked me out badly the first time I saw them -- but hopefully it'll be okay. At least this time I know what's coming.