I am going to disappoint you. You all want to hear about OyrCon and Portland and meeting people and seeing old friends and going to the Heather Alexander concert, don't you? And I want to talk about it, but there are other things sitting on top of my brain, and they will have their day.

Polyamory/polyfidelity. For a while I thought I was poly. Then I got older and thought that poly was just an excuse to be a flake about your emotions and your relationships. Then I got into the infamous weird situation with Earl and Marith, which when you get right down to it wasn't very weird at all -- Earl was dating Marith and Earl was dating me. Except it was weird, because to some eyes it was a triad, and to other eyes it was Earl with two balanced primaries. It all ended very messily, except of course Marith and I are still friends and Earl and I are still dating, so I know it could have been much worse. At least for me.

Now, you see, I have all this emotional baggage. I think it might be equivilant to what a straight person feels when they suddenly realise they're gay. I have no problem accepting that my friends are poly, but the thought that polyamory, in some form, might be a real part of who I am is more frightening than I know how to explain. My brain tells me that it's fine if I'm poly, that it's fine if I'm not, that it's fine if I just don't know yet. My gut reaction, my emotions... they tell me that if I'm not monogamous I'm a failure as a human being. They tell me that non-monogamy is simply a sign of immaturity on my part.

I'm usually pretty good at ignoring my emotions when they go on a negative tear, but this issue is a rough one. Especially since it is coming up because of a specific set of friendships and because of being forcibly reminded of some things this weekend -- so any thought processes about them are inevitably muddled. If I knew what I wanted I could talk to the people in my life and figure out how to get it. But I just don't know, and every time I try to think about it I end up feeling like I'm a failure to be thinking about it in the first place. Society tells us that we should be able to get everything we need from just one person -- what if I can't do that?

Being a human being is so complicated.

The small portions of my brain which isn't thinking about the above is busily anticipating getting to read new books. I had quite the fun time at Powell's yesterday. I now have children's books, more Christopher Fry plays, some history, and a handsful of other things that I've already forgotten. A proper list will be presented tomorrow.