I haven't been writing lately. I haven't even been really tempted to write lately. There's just too damn much going on inside my head, and somewhere inside of me there's a fear that once I capture it in words it'll somehow signal the end.

My, that was a Rent reference. And completely by accident.

You see, last week Rachel asked Jim and I why we liked Rent so much, and we both had a horrible time answering. When you get right down to it, though, my reasons all hinge around identifying with various characters in various ways -- and most of all I identify with Mark, who narrates the show by filming it -- and who is filming it because all of his friends have AIDS, and in a few years the film will probably be the only thing he has left. Mark has a real problem living in the moment, although he's always pushing everyone else to do so. Mark has a lot of difficulty being part of a community, but he's clearly desperate for a community to belong in.

That's very much me. Oh, it's a loose analogy. None of my friends are dying of anything other than being human. But with the move coming up I feel like I'm about to lose a lot of things. I respond by drawing tightly inward. I try to store up as much as possible, not wanting to share anything I'm feeling, which of course makes writing here almost impossible.

I'm really bad at living in the moment, so a lot of energy that ought to be used just enjoying where I am right now is getting spent fretting over my future. I'm trying and trying to change that, but some of the requirements may be impossible.

I'm dancing around, still too scared to solidify things. I want to give you disclaimers, but that goes against what I'm trying to do in this journal. Shall we dive right into it, then?

I have a very central reason for not wanting to write. The main thing going on in my life right now is my friendship with Jim. It's all happening very fast, but so intense that the last two months feel more like an entire year. It's something other than crescendo fatigue, maybe fermata fatigue, because whoever is directing my life right now is drawing this moment out way too long.

Except, of course, it can't be explained away like that. It'd be so nice if I still retained some mysticism about my emotional state -- if I could still believe that wanting something badly enough meant that I would magically get it. If I could still believe that strength of emotion indicates a higher power is at work. Instead, though, I know that wanting something only means I want it. Not that I'm going to get it, or that it'd be good for me to have it, or that I have discovered some greater truth about my life. I just want it.

And, knowing that, I also know that I can quit wanting things. I could take this relationship which I find so precious and I could burn it out of my life, because it's new and fragile and couldn't stand up to a determined attempt at eradication. It wouldn't be a pleasant process, and I wouldn't enjoy it much, but I know I could do it.

That, of course, is the most frightening part of all. I have no illusions that I'm not choosing this. I have no way to pretend that what's going on here is coming from outside of me. If I choose to pursue my relationship with Jim, then I'm making that choice and can't hide from it. If it turns out to be a disaster -- if I hurt someone very badly in the course of this -- then there's no excusing it as 'something that just happened'. By choosing to feel this way I am signing away any right to deny the consequences.

Jim and I talked about this last night. He, too, knows he could quit caring about me. He also knows that, by choosing to keep on caring, he's accepting the risk of being hurt very badly. It's all very mature and adult of us, but frankly it terrifies the shit out of me.

So now you know. Or you don't, really, since I'm still hugging all the details of this marvelous whirlwind friendship close to my heart and hanging on for dear life. I'd like to be able to say more, but ... I just can't. Not today. Maybe when it's less immediate. He's going to Arizona from Saturday to Tuesday, and then Earl and I are going to Oklahoma from Wednesday to Sunday, which means I probably won't see Jim again until a week from this coming Monday. It's possible that the sustained intensity will fade during the time apart, in which case my world will be chiaroscuro but much simpler.

And what, you ask, does Earl think of all of this? Here I just wrote a good six paragraphs about the wonderful intensity of my friendship with Jim, and not a word about Earl except to mention that he's coming with me to Oklahoma.

Heather Gardener told me, once, that sudden intimacy is like confidently climbing stairs only to suddenly miss a step. She's right. I feel like I've missed a step, and the process of regaining my balance -- hell, I'm still falling. I'm not sure when I get to start regaining my balance. And falling... falling takes a lot of time and energy, especially if you're trying to do it without hurting anyone.

Frankly, it's not very fair to Earl. He's already at a disadvantage because he's so far away, and now a portion the attention that used to be lavished on him is focused up here. All I can say about it is that there's nothing being hidden from him, and that I am trying very hard to be fair. I love Earl much more than anyone seems to give me credit for (she says peevishly), and wouldn't hurt him for the world. In a very real way he makes me who I am, and all the lovely frightening things happening right now wouldn't be going on if Earl was not a strong and steady part of my life.

Then again, strong and steady isn't always the fun thing to be. I'll have the next week to lavish time and attention on him, and I plan to enjoy every minute of it. Goodness knows we deserve some fun -- he's been stressed by his screening exam and I've been stressed by all the changes in my life, and he's having to look at moving (so that when I move he'll already be in a 2bedroom), which is not much fun at the best of times. So the menu for the next week is fun. Not ignoring the stored up angst, but it will only be given its due and nothing more.

He arrives tonight. I'm looking forward to it.