Crescendo Fatigue

I stole the term 'crescendo fatigue' from Rob Brezsny's Real Astrology. I don't believe in astrology, mind you, but I still read his column regularly. Take that as you would.

This is what he says for my birthday week:

		   SCORPIO (Oct 23-Nov 21)

                   Week of October 23, 1997

   In August, a Scorpio from North Carolina asked me to forward a
   message to G-d. "I don't mind being broke," she wrote, "or getting
   lost on back roads, or meeting fascinating total strangers, or
   taking an hour to answer the question 'What do you do?' But dear
   G-d, I'm starting to mind that You aren't sending me clear signals
   about how to do Your work most effectively and beautifully! If You
   want me to go to school, dammit, say so.  If You want me to
   hitchhike to California and give foot massages on the beach, say
   so.  I'm open to suggestion, Your Marvellousness!  What I'm not open
   to is this deafening silence regarding my long term picture." I
   didn't have the heart to tell this woman back then that the divine
   answer would not arrive for a while.  But now I'm telling her--and
   all you Scorpios--that G-d is finally gearing up to give you a few
   pithy signs concerning your master plan.

The question of whether or not I believe in G-d is pretty highly up in the air at this point. It would be nice to be able to be perfectly rational and state firmly that I'm an atheist -- but I'm not. I may be an agnostic. I may yet end up Catholic. Only time is going to tell on this one, gentle readers.

I'm turning twenty-two tomorrow. I don't know if I'm excited. I'd like to believe nice and lovely things will happen to me, but ... oh, what the hell. I'll damn well make nice and lovely things happen to me if necessary. Why not?

Another short entry. It seems like the more I have to say, the less energy I have to devote to saying it. I wrote several more pages in the paper journal last night. Good things are happening. Czr and I negotiated things. I'm still spending most of my time with him and Jim. We talked about mirrors and reflections and what causes people to grow, and the shock of having already grown.

Crescendo fatigue is what you feel when you can sense something building & building, but every time you think it ought to peak and then recede it just spirals around into a new build. That is what I'm feeling right now. I think, maybe, last night might have done it. But probably not. I can never tell except in retrospect, anyway.