August 19, 1997

Well, that was easy.

Turns out that they'd given an offer to someone already for the job they were interviewing me for, and he'd accepted it Monday morning. So, that was mostly that. I did get to talk with the manager of the whole group of folks for a bit and was somewhat dismayed to find her in, well, business clothes. She was tired, harried, and sorry that the HR folks hadn't just said no, and while she said that she wished she could have seen my resume before she'd made the other offer, and that I had a very interesting and unique set of skills and experiences, she really didn't think I fit their management position, which was what they had left. A likelihood I agreed with completely as they gradually told me what they did.

The group mostly does tools and frameworks for all the web pages that get displayed off the web works. All the application groups have to apply through them and use their supplied things to create their web pages. They were supposed to figure out the next generation of web pages and what they were supposed to look like and how they were supposed to act. Rather than concentrating on what they could do now and do it well, which... I'll admit, kinda made me squint.

The other things that made me squint was just the massiveness of just the group that was involved. The momentum and inertia she managed to convey just kinda scared the heck out of me. Carl wrote me after I gave him an initial feeling for how I felt about the place and had this marvelous bit of wisdom for me. That one of the things that I do love about working here in Synario is that because it's such a small group the impact of what I do is huge. When my energy is focused, I can move things here, and significantly move the direction that we go in and what we do as a whole entity. At Microsoft, I'd be a small cog carrying a tiny load compared to the weight of the whole machine. And from what they looked like that tiny load would actually be really nasty to any human being. In that group, at least.

If it's not fun and it's not important then why am I doing it?
--Bill Hyde, Bell Laboratories

Why indeed?

So, I basically got back to work today and had a great time talking over new ideas with Bob. True next gen ideas, real paradigm changers rather than just doing what we've been doing but more so. We sat and talked for two hours straight and came up, mostly, with questions for our customers, where are the painpoints, how can we make you more creative, more productive, have more fun, and get more of what you want to do done? What fun!

Anyway. It helps to know what I want by seeing what I don't want.

Besides, in two weeks, the focus of Synario will likely sharpen and that will help me significantly. But in the meantime, I'll enjoy the time I have to do what it is that I feel like doing and want to do. Which includes seeing where it is that we're going to go and getting us there. Mostly generating ideas, which, as John says, aren't answers, but they are ideas and they'll get to answers if I follow them hard enough, track them tight enough and get us to where we really want to go.

Soccer again last night, and I was exhausted by not being able to sleep the night before... and I think I'm just starting to get tired of this season's teams. Luckily, it was the last game of the season and it doesn't restart until the 15th of September. Three blessed weeks to just rest and heal and rehydrate properly for once.

One marvelous thing about last night, though was that after getting home, I did the simple dinner thing and just heated a can of Trader Joe's Beef Chili and tossed a quarter of a loaf of Great Harvest bakery's Oregon onion, chedder, rye into the toaster oven.

Trader Joe's is a California based grocery store that is little, they specialize in really great quality foods that have low overhead, and low prices, but are done with just a touch of something extra. Be it that the shrimp are from Oregon rather than from denuding Southern American shores, or that the juices are blends you cannot find anywhere else, or that there are three different varieties of bleu or you can do domestic, French or other Feta cheeses. They do a frozen meatloaf dinner that's just a chunk of excellent meatloaf topped with caramalized onions and accompanied by garlic mashed potatos. They have at least a dozen kinds of slow cooked pasta sauces, from roasted garlic to eggplant based. It's rather upscale but not massively expensive, and even the chili is marvelous.

Great Harvest specializes in whole grain breads, they mill their own flour everyday from bags and bags of wheat they store in their storefront. And they consistantly produce chewy, taste and texture rich breads that are a joy in and of themselves. With just a bit of butter, a slab of their honey whole wheat is a breakfast unto itself. The Onion, chedder, rye bread is a round loaf covered with toasted onion, sesame seeds and poppy seeds, and layered in the bread are chewy slabs of cheddar cheese. Just the scent of the loaf is enough to get me drooling. It's a a meal unto itself, but even better wrapped around tuna salad or ham or as a sopping tool for chili.


And yes, Ceej's Clarion Richard was right, tearing bread with your hands is a natural act.

I guess I'm just bone tired. Markleford wrote again today, a very sweet letter and I'm finally hopeful of even just getting the friendship back, the one that I valued so highly, mostly because he understood me. The lonely, out of whack, completely different than the rest of reality me, with no worship and no illusions. Just care and thoughtfulness and a touch of respect and wistfulness. To wist. Whither thou wist. What I wist is the simple touch he's always had, direct to my soul without fanfare or frightened caution or failure&fear-masking humor or self-immolation. He used to know me, faults and all, fears and all and cared anyway, without being able to shape me to his expectations because, for a while he had none. Then he got a load of 'em. But, perhaps, he can remember how he did it the first time.

I was right first, though. I have no illusions about the love relationship thang being viable. There are difficulties and problems galore... which was something Regis was happily quick to help point out. But I don't give up on friends or relationships simply because of problems, and I don't give up easily or well or gracefully. Never have. Even with this management job, I'm grumpy and cranky about 'not getting it' even when I know that I don't really want it and it doesn't match my needs or desires or theirs, I'm still grumpy about 'not succeeding' which sucks.

Anyway, it's going more mildly and with a frankness that reminds me of why I had a relationship with him in the first place, and that's good.

My hair is fading. It's gradually more and more and more green than blue and I'm sending money to Angie to buy more dye and have the guys bring it up when the come to Dragonflight. Hopefully Paula can do the scalp bleaching thing and reapply much dye and get it back to color again.

After all the work I've put into the stuff so far, I'm not giving it up without a fight.

© 1997 by Liralen Li

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