March 31, 1998

Fighting Free

Started with a site-wide meeting that worked very well, and we then did meetings all day, in one form or another. I really got through a lot of stuff, including a maybe-halt on the fire-fighting project as the person that actually knew what was up and what might have to be done realized that he really didn't know what the final implementation should be, so decided that it would be a waste of my time to work on something that wasn't really defined as of yet.

It's good working with clueful people. So it's likely that I'm not going to have to do that.

Markleford wrote. It had little of comfort to the letter, but something of himself. I didn't quite have enough, though to answer it, yet. I may tomorrow, or after the day of fools. It would be too ironic to answer tomorrow, likely. I don't know. Sometimes I just have no idea where to go, and sometimes I simply have to accept that that's okay, and wait and learn and figure out more data, more information and more thought before taking steps.

So it is. Instead, for the evening, I concentrated on writing, and finished the last of the Monster Truck writeup. This scheduled time for doing writing is good. I also re-did the church survey in bigger fonts with a few more questions and a few corrections folks asked to have made. It's now ready to go.

When I looked up it was midnight.

And I realized that my entire body hurt. I still have no idea why. I think I'm just going to live with it for a while. Maybe a hot bath will help tomorrow or something. It's just an aching that hits the marrow, and I don't know how to get it out.

My dreams were vivid. Shedites in the bands of demons are like Kryiotates in that they possess people, but they have the memories and thoughts of the people they possess. They can only do one at a time, and the thing is that they have to get the person to escalate on the things that they wouldn't normally do each day. They can kinda force the person to do those things, and are hated by the Lilim, i.e. the Children of the Lady of Freedom, because they are pretty much the antithesis of freedom.

Thing was that I was a Shedim who kept possessing people in awful situations, abusive or cohersive relationships, and the way the escalation worked was one more step towards freedom with each day. Starting as small as putting a lamp out of place, a glass upsidedown, a cushion on it's side. Gradually working up to courage amid fear, deciding not to just run or hide, or even out and out defience. Always breaking another rule imposed from the outside, from someone else's opinion or thought. Speaking out for himself/herself, even fighting the terrible situation with violence, working themselves free of the terror of their lives and *remembering* that they had done so. That was one of the things about the victims of the Shedim, was that they remembered everything they did.

In many ways, when I left them, they were like all other victims of a Shedite, in that they had their lives shattered around them. But like Death in the Tarot, perhaps the ending was also a new beginning.

© 1998 by Liralen Li.

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