I am going to talk about some things obliquely here, because it is hard for me to be direct about things I am investing emotionally in when they are frightening and uncertain.

Relief is such a powerful sensation. I had been procrastinating and procrastinating on making some phone calls, not wanting to find out that what I hoped might be wrong. Today, finally, I worked myself up and made the most important of these calls, asked my questions, and got not only a positive answer but the most _ideal_ answer possible. The rush of relief I felt was so intense that I nearly burst into tears. Even now, writing this, I feel like I'm about to cry, just because I'm both so happy and so terrified. If I can do this thing I'm attempting it will mean a lot of work and dedication, but at least I know that the ball is back in my court.

Wanting things is scary, especially since some days I want things intensely, and on others I'm not sure if I want them at all. This is hard when it involves life-changing decisions (career moves and the like), because these things often involve consistent effort -- and putting consistent effort into things is difficult if one day out of five you're not sure you really care.

But I do care. I do. Please remind me of that when I think it's too much work, or too scary, or that it would change my life too much. It's still worth it.

I'm calmer now. And not unhappy -- I haven't been unhappy at all, in fact. But being that intensely relieved was not precisely pleasant, despite the fact that it made me happy.

Earl is here! I picked him up at the airport this morning, after waking up far too early to make sure he was awake (he was, of course), and then oversleeping my alarm and having to rush madly to get to the airport on time. We engaged in pleasant chat as I drove him to work, and I'll see him tonight after class.

Babylon 5 tonight. Let's hope it's a really good episode.

The weekend is gloriously unplanned, except for Trip's Nexus game on Sunday. I'm hoping that we'll end up lying around playing board games on Saturday, but it remains to be seen. It's tempting to go book-shopping (a frequent activity when around Earl), but I really ought to be reading the books I have, not buying new ones. And I need to start saving some money.

I had about thirty minutes of really good Immersive RP at Ahrounquest last night, which is definitely the longest stretch I've ever had while playing Butterflies. I've been getting snapshots of her brain since September or so, but on the whole I have to play her from the mind rather than from the gut. Last night, though, it all snapped very nicely into place. Stag-Boy (our fearless leader) died. Nobody realised it at the time; it was one of those fights where people were falling down all over the place. Once the fight ended, though, everyone else started getting up -- and Ben quickly realised that Stag-Boy was dead.

Butterflies has a gift of tongues, so she was already talking to the local soldiery when it came clear that Stag-Boy was dead... and with that realisation I was suddenly inside Butterflies' head. With Stag-Boy dead the obvious person to take charge was Ben, but he tends to be reckless, and we didn't have the luxury of being reckless. The decision to drop her usual clueless act and take charge wasn't really a difficult one -- I'm clearly the only one capable of getting the pack someplace non-fatal without more deaths. She very calmly started giving orders... and luckily for her Ben seemed willing to follow them.

That's not a very good description of what it was like, of course. I've re-written the two paragraphs above several times, and I still can't get to the heart of the experience, much less explain why it was incredibly cool. Part of it was the sensation of being inside the character skull when she was calm and collected. The few other times I've gotten completely inside of her have been highly emotional, and although my framework for her involved being able to take charge of situations it'd never _happened_ before.

Imagine coming up with a very basic theory. Imagine adding months of research onto it, until you have a complex theory that _seems_ to make sense every way you look at it -- but you don't know. Imagine the joy of the moment when all the pieces fall into place and you suddenly discover that you were right all along; A + C can equal Q, even if most of the time it doesn't.

That's what last night was. My basic theory (Butterflies is capable of leadership) and my research (light-IC play of her has indicated this is true) coming together (Immersed, I am not consciously directing her character, so perhaps all my theories are wrong and she isn't a leader) to prove me right.

Is anyone still listening?