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April 16, 2000
a year ago
two years ago

Sleep

So I was stupid to have stayed up for the movie last night.

I slept another fourteen hours at night. John and Fezzik left for Marshall Mesa without ever bothering me. I got up only sometime after 11:30 and made myself some cinnamon toast and herbal tea, with lots of vitamin C. I still can't taste anything. That bothers me more than being unable to breath without hacking up half a lung. I hate being without taste and smell for this long.

I did the toast right, too. I toasted one side under a broiler, then pulled it out, buttered the untoasted side, sprinkled on the cinnamon sugar, and then put that under the broiler until the butter and sugar melted and bubbled and browned. It's *much* better than regular toast with butter and cinnamon sugar on it. Takes a little while, though, but it's worth the effort and time.

Sip, nibble, sip.

A little TV, a little time with John and Fezzik, who had just survived his first walk back with the puppies, just barely. We had to haul him out of Borax, together, and he just lay on the driveway until John got the hose out and started spraying his underbelly off to get all the grit and gravel out of his fur. He was mostly tired and a bit sore as he limped a little. But the interesting thing is that after just being on the chemo for two days, his lymph nodes had gotten smaller!! So it looks like the stuff is taking! That was a very, very good sign indeed. He did gradually better and better all evening. Still pretty stiff and sore and raggedy until late, though, as he was still pretty damp. John said that Fezzik had taken a very large number of rest stops on the way down the hill. So the dog had known what he was doing and stopped when he wanted or felt that he had to stop, which was very good indeed.

Then John found out that Sound Track was giving away free DVD's with the very TV we'd bought for the very same price. So he called them to ask for the free DVD, as we had a 30 Day Satisfaction Guarantee, i.e. if we weren't satisfied for any reason, we could just return it. We didn't really want to return it, but it was our last ditch reason for getting the free DVD.

The guy said that we had to go to the store to get it, which seemed reasonable enough, and when we got there, he sent us to the DVD wall to see if we wanted an upgrade from the $150 GE DVD player. We decided free is pretty cool and if we wanted to upgrade it'd be better to actually see what a DVD did for us or didn't do for us, first. So we just took the free one and took it home with us happily.

I was exhausted, even after just the short trip. John saw that, made me a really nice lunch of hot meatloaf sandwich, and then I went back to sleep. For six hours.

I didn't know I was so tired. But I was, and even with John mowing outside, Fezzik barking, the phone ringing, I slept like the dead. Just right through everything until it was 6 p.m. and dinner time.

John made pizza using the bread machine to make the dough, and we watched bits of The Ten Commandments as we got ready to eat and eating. I always am amazed at how many Christian references they stuff into the movie representation of the Exodus. It's that time again. Passover and Easter all rolled into one great extravaganza, and I'll likely be sitting on the sidelines again. So it is.

I went back to bed at 9 or so and then I couldn't sleep. Thinking too much. Too sad, too hurt, everything aching, too all curled up and feeling like a pillbug and wondering if I was just being a complete wimp. Wanted to do nothing more than curl up and cry but nowhere, really, to do it without feeling like I was taking advantage of people. I don't like being dependent on anyone or being called self-pitying, so I pull further back as well, when I feel like I'm just being too weak or becoming a burden. I guess Mark trained me way too well.

So I just cried quietly in the dark, to myself, while John slept. Maybe it's unfair that I didn't even give him a chance, but... I was just too tired and sad and upset at myself to do any different. The only person that never makes fun of me or makes me feel weak or stupid is God, but then the only part of God I interact with is the part that's just in my head, so I guess that part never would. So I cried with Him. Just cried to let out the sorrow and the tiredness and the pain now that I really didn't have to be brave anymore. Not really demanding anything of anyone or anything, didn't really ask for anything to be different. Just needed the release, I guess.

I have too much I have to do tomorrow.

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