April 24, 1998

She Walks!

Just walking around today on the brace. No crutches. Heh. Had no problems with the exercises last night. I even cooked. My favorite of filet mignon, just this side of bloody rare, with a caramelized onions and oyster mushroom gravy on mashed potatoes and a side of creamed spinach. Okay, so most folks wouldn't have liked that last item, it's one of those things that I've never made, only reheated or eaten from Boston Market. John enjoyed it a lot. I had problems with the gravy, so didn't enjoy it quite as much. It was good all in all. Likely meatloaf tonight with sundried tomatos, blue cheese and bacon stuffing, maybe herbed and spiced breadcrumbs or garlic croutons as well. Just learned about stuffed meatloaves the other day, so I have to try it. Maybe sharp cheddar mac and cheese with it as well as the creamed spinach.

Okay, I'll admit it, I'm making up time for the time I couldn't cook.

Dreamed entirely of being Sephar last night, four points of view, this time, though two were with Hitherby on another attack of sorts on some place or another, it felt like a recon mission for the rest of the angels to figure out a Tether and see what we could see about what small vulnerabilities it had. One was with Daimon, the other with Jordan, and telling the two groups what was going on as we wandered through and did things. I think I'd kept to four in case I needed to possess a human being.

Been reading William S. Burroughs The Ticket that Exploded, and really getting into it. Mike Wasson was right, it's a lot more interesting when read aloud, especially all the taped on taped on taped bits that have exploded all the grammar into something else. There have been three really interesting ideas in that book so far, for my brain. The first is the recording on recording idea. The second is the idea that if anyone hears something often enough, they start to believe it's true. And that's something that I've seen all around me, today. That if enough bad and awful things get repeated the more people believe that all around them is bad or awful. And vice versa.

The third idea that I really, really glommed onto was the feeling that there really are two people. Okay, those that know my real background, know that's kinda funny as I've sometimes been hway more than just two people. The keen thing, though is that it delineates the difference, the utter difference between Argent, Engineer and Spider from everyone else in here, and that has to do with the fact that none of them *say* anything. Engineer may actually be on the other side of the line as his abstract concepts actually do flow linearly in languages other than English, he's the part of me that can dream in C++ in multi-threaded ways.

The idea is that human beings, on the most part, cannot stop *thinking* in words. That there is always this internal monologue going on, that it's just really, really hard for most people to turn it off. My speculation is that meditations and the like are ways for people to turn that internal monologue off, to actually and truly listen to themselves, what their bodies are like, are telling them, and actually start to *feel* instead of *think*. To just be.

Try it. Just ten minutes. Set a timer and try not to think in any words at all. Concentrate on other things, on the feeling or the sound of your breathing, the heartbeats that move through you, the feeling of a breeze on your skin, or the whatever. It's harder than not thinking "Elephant" in that it's not thinking anything. Better to fill your mind with the shape of a tree or the clouds or the color of the grass or the sensation of your clothing on your skin...

Yeah. That's where Argent walks, all the time. No internal monologue, he just is and does and exists in every part of his body. My body. Me. I can do that, can remain quiet now within my mind. Usually the easiest way to get to sleep for me, I've found, as then I can't worry about anything. Try to worry without an internal monologue of the things that can go wrong and how awful they will be when they do go wrong. It's *really* hard.

I've also found it useful for doing my physical therapy exercises, to just shut my brain off and go instead of wondering just how much damage I might be doing to whatever just because some muscles are burning. Let them burn and just keep moving them and it works wonders. It's a lousy state of mind for writing or for programming, but that's to be expected. It's a marvelous state of mind for my Chinese calligraphy or for watercolor painting. It's just keen.

I've got PT later today and John's off getting cinnamon rolls from Great Harvest, yum. I'm behind on some of my work, so I have to just sit down and crank for a bit. I'll see if I can't get on tomorrow to keep up the daily updates. It's better to do it every day as then I get to spill quick and quiet and don't have to really push to catch up.

© 1998 by Liralen Li.

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