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December 7, 2000
a year ago

Lonely But Not Alone

It's only really hard when I'm alone, now. Not too bad when I'm with John or when I'm at work and doing things. A few stories and letters make me cry, still, but it's not hard. A lot of them are making me laugh, too, as they're things I'd forgotten and people are reminding me of all the things that they loved about Fezzik. So that's good.

I didn't even cry this morning! That was very good. I did, however, while sleeping, snore loud enough, a few times, for John to wake me up because I'd woken him up. I think that, perhaps, the cold just hid away in my sinuses or something and it's still around enough to make me snore but not enough for sneezing or making me unhappy during the day.

It was a pretty busy day. We got up early, went to King Supers and Moe's and got all the breakfast stuff plus lunch stuff for anyone that was going to donate blood in the company blood drive today. Lots of food. I also bought lunch stuff at King Supers and had a small bag of my own food that I bought for myself and brought up for myself. I did most of the transport of things upstairs as I needed to do the stairs, and I was breathless from it all, but got everything up and setup and I cheerfully took broken bits off a poppyseed muffin and took one cinnamon covered muffin. I had the very pleasant surprise of finding out that the cinnamon muffin was actually a banana muffin! Yum.

That was good.

10:30 was my massage appointment and it felt very good to relax and nearly fall asleep again. She got my right hand back down to a more normal size, and did things to my back that I hadn't realized I needed. Also found out that I was carrying a boulder of stress and tension in my neck, but it all was less than before. I think I'm under less stress now that Fezzik's gone. Less to worry about, deal with, and hold on my own shoulders anymore. The Fish was kicking merrily halfway through and she could feel the movements under her hands. Michele had just been to Hawaii for the first time and was still basking in the afterglow of Island Time. I half envied her. It's been a long time since we've been there and I remember a lot that was so nice.

Lunch was yummy and quick and then there were three hours of meetings in the afternoon, including a one on one with my boss where I basically said that I'd been useless this last week. He nodded, said that he had some distractions of his own so we added the time to the schedule and figured out ways to get the work to others for some of the things that could be transferred.

So that was a big relief in many ways. I don't like letting people down on things I said I'd do, but things have been just so weird these last few weeks. It was good to know that no one held it against me.

One letter came in the afternoon that made me really think. It was from someone that had actually been reading my journal for two years, and she'd really liked the food and all the Fezzik stories. What she really did was point out all the cool things that she'd gotten from the journal about how Fezzik was a part of our lives and what we'd done for him, giving him some of our food, the ice cream cones, the parties, and the walks on the mountain. It really struck me about all the good things that there had been. And that made a big difference in how I was looking at things. Helped me take another step back.

John, in the meantime, was looking completely miserable. The cold I'd had on Monday caught him today and while he was able to do things for most of the day, by 4 he was completely wiped out. So I drove him home and dropped him off there so that he could go to sleep. I drove off to Safeway with my list of things for chili.

We're having a Chili Cook-off tomorrow, I don't expect to win anything, but the lady that was organizing it had said 'There's no one wanting to do this so I'm going to have to cancel if no one does it!' so I volunteered. Mostly just to put another pot of chili on the table so that it could go on. So I wasn't expecting to really win anything, but I'd bought a medium hot chili mix from Penzey's and thought I'd use it and the recipe they supply in their catalog. So I'd gotten all my ingredients from the catalog and went shopping for them. I also bought a ten pound bag of grapefruit and some white cooking chocolate with real cocoa butter in it and a bag of sliced almonds, all for one of the Queen of Sheba cakes in the Cocolat book. I don't really know when I'll make it but I want to make it.

I got home by 5, and it was all dark and John was deeply asleep on the couch in the livingroom in front of the TV and I got really busy making the chili. When I was done with that, I was hungry and there was still another three hours for the chili to simmer, and I was sad and it was dark and with John asleep I was pretty much alone. Time that I would normally have spent hugging Fezzik. It really hit me hard. I just went into the bedroom, closed the door and cried from missing Fezzik so badly and from being really lonely...

And while I was lamenting being lonely, the fish in my belly kicked me, pretty hard. I had to laugh. Okay. While one lady saying that what she loved the most about being pregnant was never being alone, I had been really squicked by that, as an introvert there definitely are times when I like to be alone. Not lonely, but alone. But she really was right. The fish can hear now, can feel things, can even open his eyes in the dark, but I don't think he can see much. But he really can hear and feel what I am doing or when someone pets my belly. In a few months it'll be even more evident that we're not alone anymore, either, but for that moment, I got my own personal jab in the bladder that said, "Look, I'm here."

Which reminded me that I really should eat. So I went and made potstickers, which got John to wake up at the smell and he should eat something too, when being sick, it's good to keep ones strength up. I'd also bought a box of Peppermint tea, which had as the only ingredient "peppermint leaves", which I thought was pretty purist of it all, and I made a big mug of that for John and for myself. He inhaled his gratefully with his dinner and then asked for another. Liquids are good.

We watched a lot of programs on Pearl Harbor Day, as today's the anniversary of the event. John had left the channel on the History Channel as it ran through all of World War II and the consequences that followed the Japanese attack all the way through. One of the networks showed a special on the cameramen of World War II and all the things that they went through with everyone else in the war. That was really cool, as I hadn't known half the stories, and it's good to remember them, too, and what happened.

When it was done the chili was mostly done and I just took the pot out into the garage and set it out there. The temperature in there is well below 40 degrees F, so it should be perfectly safe out there and better than warming my fridge.

We went to sleep at 10, and John didn't know if he was getting up. I wanted to get up at a reasonable time as I had to take care of the chili and things. So I set the alarm for 8, and we went to sleep. I still have some residual as I got woken up a couple times in the night by John saying that I was snoring. Maybe I just sleep better now that there's nothing that I have to be listening for anymore. It would help, I guess.

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