Broke my heart, the beginning of this month did. Fezzik failed over the first weekend. Hard. No recovery, no possibilities, and we finally had to put him to sleep. Surprised the hell out of me that that quiet release would so shake me and make me figure out how hard he'd been trying and fighting to even draw a breath.

It was a mildly weird month, given that start. Especially since John and I were immediately swept into the busy whirlwind of dealing with all the things we'd put off for Fezzik. Christmas shopping, cards, holiday planning, all the baby birthing classes, and gradually trying to find our feet in this strange world without a member of our family. Especially since he'd been the center of our lives for the last couple of months.

I cried a lot, though I'd been crying all along. Also gradually discovered that life moves on. I'm coping. I don't know if I'm really dealing, yet, but I'm coping and each passing day makes it a bit easier.

It also helps having the Fish to distract us and dealing with the gradually greater physical challange of carrying the baby to term has started sucking my energy and time and creativity. Figuring out how to make my now starting to feel overextended body more comfortable with all the extra stress of the weight, the energy draining, and the lack of sleep has gradually become more the focus of my creativity.

The end of the month was mostly a little time off and some time to recharge. Much needed by both of us.