December 18, 2000
I was so tired today. Enough so that once John got me home and fed me he told me that I should just take a bath. So I did. A big, jasmine bubble bath with plenty of hot water, bubbles, and stuff. I'm depressed. Don't want to do anything. Especially not work. Especially not work with someone over the cubicle wall that's hating his job and the hours he's imposing on himself.
Not that there's anything I really want to do at home, either. Though I might get more done at home without any on-line possibilities and without any interruptions by co-workers.
Just sad and tired.
We also did our Christmas letter tonight, as we knew we had to do it sooner rather than later. We had John do it as his hands didn't hurt, but in the midst of having to write about letting go of Fezzik he just broke down for a bit. It was hard 'cause he couldn't think of anything and I was incoherent, as usual, verbally. I don't always speak the way I write. Writing is so much easier for me, and it really is harder for him. So I just suggested that I try, and he gave it over to me for just the hard phrases and the one paragraph. Having written it all here helped, I think. Then I gave him a big hug and a little time to cry and he finished it off with his usual good humor.
It did make me a little more sad, though.
The bath helped. I finished it as the Rams and Bucs were finishing off their game. It was a very close one, again, and I was pretty impressed when I was watching. I got out of my bath just before the last minute of the game, so I put on my glasses and watched the last minute while snuggled up with John. That was good.
Then I went to sleep.
I haven't been snoring since the cold snap broke. At least not as much snoring as when it was really cold, so that's some relief. Also the bladder has been giving me a little relief as well. Problem is that I can feel my insides all compacting, slowly. I can feel the lack of breathing space, feel parts of my digestive tract unhappy with the pressure. Nice counter balances to that are that I can feel the baby squirming more now. He actually plays with us when we put mild pressure on him, there are times when he pushes back at the push. He's actually reacting. I could see the ripples he was making in the bathwater when I am still.
Maybe the depression is hormones. I dunno. It's going to make post-partum time something I'm really going to have to watch, though, if this is even a taste of what's to come