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December 20, 2000
a year ago

Handles and Stretch Marks

Duh.

Okay. I got a handle on the depression. Obvious when I really look at it instead of just blaming it on work or unhappy co-workers. This last weekend, John and I found out that one of our old friends back in Redmond days died last Friday of lymphoma. Same stuff Fezzik had, but this was in a lady of 43, with two daughters and a loving husband. When I'm 43, the Fish might just be in elementary school. A hard thing to really think through, really. Also, the husband of another friend died of colon cancer this last weekend as well.

I think that this might be the first holidays when I've had a lot of death happening around me. Lots of endings. Things that make it very different. Plus the whole pregnancy is finally getting to the stages where it really does feel like it's all out of my control. I don't know when I'm going to deliver, I don't know what's going to happen, exactly, and I don't have any clue how it's going to go. I can guess, I can plan for what I know about, but I also know it's all going to be something of a surprise.

Got my first stretch marks, too. Neat little claw mark like sets on the underside of the burgeoning belly. Red at night, fine in the morning, as the weight was off them for the night.

Then, when we got into work, we found an email from Boss Bill at 6 a.m. saying that they were going into the hospital. So they're laboring! Wow. The whole development team was talking about nothing but that for most of the morning. I got a little done, and actually felt pretty good for it. Lunch was a chicken pot pie as John brought chile and I enjoyed that as well. The Swanson's pies actually do pretty well in the microwave, surprisingly crisp and flaky crust given that it's nearly steamed.

I actually took a few more steps with the coding in the afternoon. I was pretty pleased with that. Small goals are useful. Just doing anything at all and being happy that I could do something seems to make sure that I actually do enough to make me feel happier yet. Step by step back out of this dark morass. Just feeling kind of fragile and hollow.

Dinner was just bottled sauce and spaghetti, though John toasted some bread, so I got inspired and toasted myself half a bagel to go with my stuff. It was actually nicely filling, good and yummy and the Fish played pattycake with John while we watched "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?"

Yeah. The Fish actually pushes back, now, when someone presses against my tummy. It's a very primitive form of pattycake, but it delighted John a very great deal and the kid just kept playing and playing as long as John wanted to play. It was very odd being the medium between the two of them doing this very primitive, physical communication, but it's kinda cool knowing that the kid might actually have figured out there's something 'out here'. Responsive kid. It'll be interesting to see how these flashes of personality play out when the kid actually does come out. It's interesting to see that the kid is responsive and doing things like this already, with nearly two months to go in its gestation.

I was a fool. John had work he had to get out of his brain before he could sleep. So I just watched and watched TV. PBS had this special on about the last century being the most measured century ever, and it was mildly fascinating to watch how numbers have shaped America so complexly and intricately through the century. It was also interesting watching the trends, seeing the charts of what was going on and how it was going on. The visual presentation of numerical data has always fascinated me and how the presentation affects impact. The ways these sociologists worked their numbers and they're presentations was really interesting.

One funny number that whacked me upside the head was that they said that the 'number of professional women has taken off!' and they showed like lawyers and doctors going to near 30 or 40 percent and then they showed engineers going from like 0.2 percent in the 40's to 11% in 1998. Right. Taken off.

Bah.

So I was pretty tired and, likely from being tired, depressed by the time John got his work tidied up enough to actually think about going to sleep. The stretch marks didn't help, as that's the first thing I know that's non-reversible to happen to me in this pregnancy. Most of the rest of it I still believe I can work on, but in all honesty, I probably am never going to be the same after carrying this first kid. But then I guess time and change and growth always goes on. Like it or not. I guess I should find the things I like about it.

I did learn, today that a friend is now pregnant with a third child! That's pretty cool. I guess, if I do want to have more, that most of the major changes will have happened, and I'll actually know what's going on with the next one after this one. Not a bad thing to learn. So life happens, too.

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