December 3, 1997

Strange dreams last night. Don't quite know why. And I'm tired... somewhat exhausted by this cold that's not a cold.

I have another game tonight. We'll see how well I survive it.

The meeting last night was kinda weird in that it's been nearly six months since I've been to a deacons' meeting, what with work and time off and a few other things, so I was pretty far out of the loop so far as what was going on. Not an unexpected feeling, just strange. Realizing that I'm uncertain enough about my own worship and worship habits that I feel rather odd dictating to others what theirs might be. Feeling that I'd rather be home, contemplating reality in a different way. The coming Advent season is going to be a busy one, but I'm not sure how involved I'll be. So many of the informal events are starting to turn more and more formal.

Work's good. I finally asked for feedback and help in recreating what I couldn't recreate and was summarily told that the problem was not a problem anymore. So that's useful.

I still have to do training materials and things. Also getting some survivor's guilt for not getting laid off, which I've been able to shake off, but it's sometimes hard to think through the feelings. Especially when talking with the folks that were let go and are only around to help out until the end of the year.

Sigh.

Sometimes that's harder than I want to admit to anyone and that includes myself. It amused me to see my Real Astrology block for this week:

As player-manager of a softball team this past summer, I came to especially prize the contributions of the Libran players. Their understanding of the subtleties of the game was so instinctive that they routinely made smart split-second decisions. They seemed to have a sixth sense about how to capitalize on opposing teams' weaknesses, and adjusted brilliantly to the mindfucks their adversaries tried in order to get an edge. In short, the members of your sign were masters of gamesmanship. I assume you share this capacity with them, Libra. If you do, please kick it into high gear this week. It'll be ever so helpful as you have to navigate through an unprecedented welter of ego trips. -- Rob Brezsny's Real Astrology

Ego trips indeed.

Well, we'll see how soccer ends up tonight.

Been reading Ceej's pages... and I'm glad for her. Meta? I'm not sure... other-journal references are mostly to note thoughts. My own thoughts? I am glad that she's learned how to change. Though it amuses me to find that a friend of mine is determined, now, to not have an SO when going into Clarion West.

I really have to admit that the first thing I think about, when I hear about the crusible that is Clarion West is, "I already went through that, damnit. Caltech. Four years of so much intensity it blows your brain off should be enough of that for anyone. I don't need to go to boot camp again this late in my life. I've already proven I can take just about any mental exercise someone can throw at me, why do I have to prove it again?" And that little voice in the back of my head goes, "But, sweet, this is *writing*."

There's a reason I gave John a bouquet with 10 different roses for our anniversary, and, at times, bouquets with just all entirely different flowers. Each year has been different. In some cases, mind bogglingly so. If I can see something to change, I do it. Sometimes without weighing all the consequences. I guess, for me the exercise of change has always been easy. It's deciding what to change to that's always been hard, especially in making sure that the change was a positive one or what might be positive in the long run, even. I've always been willing to experiment, but to actually judge something useful and keep it? That's hard, for me.

What's been hard, for me, has been sticking to anything. Not just jobs and hobbies and interests, but even sticking to anything that defines me as myself. I let it all go, one way or another. Sometimes with tears, but I've always let go. What's harder, sometimes, is to hang onto something, to a self-definition and ride with it for a while.

So, I was determined, three years ago, to stay with Synario for a while. I have, before that, always changed jobs pretty much before three years go by. I've had five jobs before the one with Synario. And now, with the acquisition of our group by Minc Incorporated, I'm changing jobs again... though, in some of the important ways, I'm sticking with it, staying with the people, the job, the work and the upkeep as well as the maintenance of these things I've helped create.

It's always, somewhat, surprised me that I've remained married to one person for 10 years. This is the girl that went out with nearly more than twenty odd boys between high school and college, who lived in 10 different towns in her first 20 years, and now I've been in the same house for eight years. That is a change in and of itself. Though, sometimes it is kinda funny to think of staying steady as a 'change'.

So we'll see what changes the year brings in. As well as what might remain the same. I've a feeling that this journal will be one of the things that remains a constant, for a while, yet. Some interests stay around for years.

© 1997 by Liralen Li

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