January 7, 1998

Hrm. Raven's comments about the flow of time as one gets older are kinda interesting in his rounding the year off entry, but... hrm. I guess one of the reasons I write this journal is to keep track of the days, to find something to savor in each one. It's not just for children that each day can bring new wonder. Though each day is a smaller percentage of our existences, that I'll agree with.

But a night's sleep, a break between the days, that might be all that keeps the past in the past and today for today, some days.

Eh. I'm okay today. Yesterday flowed into today with a dream that made me laugh. Though today I feel like I'm caught up in the flow of my life again, as two assignments at work will bring me into the Bay Area once in a couple weeks and then again in the middle of February, right in time for Dundracon, it looks like, so my plane ticket for the Con may be paid for in advance, which is nice.

But it's a lot of work involved to get all that is necessary to make that all work. Luckily, the second trip will be to attend a convention, not to present or teach things to others. While I do enjoy the amount of learning that has to be done in order to teach something well, it's a lot of work that I'm just not really into. I'm just burning to do the next phase of our projects, but it looks like the training is going to delay that for a while. Life. Okay. That would be a lot of work, too, but not a regurgitation of what I already know just for digestion by others.

Heh, the CEO of Data I/O got fired today, and everyone cheered. Synario didn't get invited to the information meeting, but a few went to find out what happened, and they're putting someone in as an interrum. It's the same board, but a new CEO and there are possibilities. There was some mention of Synario, but no one I was near really caught what was said.

Maybe it's just that I'm tired, again, so soon after my vacation. Or, more likely, it's that I opened the door of communication to Mark again, and, again, with the way he's built, he can't reply as quickly or as thoroughly as I'd like. So. To allow that to drain energy or emotion or happiness from me is a mistake, the same mistakes I made before.

And that's what this is for, no? To record history so that I don't do it again, if I don't want to.

So Raven woke me again today, and I blink about blearily and try to find the way again.

Something to savor. Had a meeting with the deacons last night, and it was amusing, succinct and touched me in a way the last didn't. I've been treating the whole deaconship as a burden, a chore I've been reluctant to do. I'll likely always have problems with the Organization and the Religion that is Christianity, but the theory's still sound and it's good to be around people that take the theory to heart and use it. I mean, how many churches do you know would take to a deacon with bright green-blue hair? And tell her that they loved the color and that they thought it was keen? Not many that I know of. But it's good to be a sign of difference at the pulpit, seems to allow others from the fringe find a welcome.

Not a bad thing, all in all.

The deacons, as a bunch, are good. They're funny, experienced, lively, loving, and living. Good lay leaders who know the world and how they've applied the teachings and theories of that carpenter to their lives.

What to savor today? Possibly the rush of getting back into the saddle again, and figuring out what we do next. Some of it was yesterday, when we got the confirmation from our boss that Bob and I would be funded to go to the Bay Area for the Software Design Conference, and Bob would concentrate on Windows technologies while I went for purer UI design classes and usability testing. To know when we have a good product. Now that's a dream worth making true.

*laughter* Oh... yes... another thing. I have no dreams under my bed, in a box, languishing. They're all out on the bed cover, where I've played with 'em, left some of 'em for later, and tackled the ones I want for now. There is nothing real that wasn't once someone's dream. Flynn and the Horde folks, yesterday, were trading jokes about "If you find a life, will you tell me how you got it?" I half-jokingly said that my life just fell into my lap, with no help from me, and Flynn kinda fixed me with a stare. "Make a guess," he said.

I shrugged. "I guess I did it by trying everything and anything I really wanted to try without worrying if I'd succeed or fail." I mean, how can you learn anything without failing at it a few times? Raven's images of death on failure were... I dunno. They struck me. Failure doesn't equate with death. Failure doesn't equate with *being* a failure. Failing is the only way to learn and do and grow.

I guess that's why I loved that line in Teenagers Kick Our Butts where she urges them to make lots of mistakes. That's what you have to do. Don't worry about pride, don't worry about how others see you, just try it anyway, don't believe you've failed before you've even started. Let yourself take baby steps, let yourself stumble and fall and then pick yourself up and try again.

That's all.

I often think that my fear of failure with Mark is the only thing that killed my relationship with Mark.

You wanna life? It's right there. Grab it and hold on for the ride of your life.

© 1998 by Liralen Li.

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