January 5, 1998

Got up way too early in the morning, 6am, to get to work by a 7am meeting John had. After weeks of getting up at my normal cycle, it was a real hard thing to do. It helped, a little, to go to Victor's get the travel mugs that Fezzik got us for Christmas filled, and go in while sipping mocha, but not a lot. It also helped, some, that I had the bread pudding for breakfast, kinda like French Toast in a bowl, especially when heated. Yum.

Had fun with work, just looking at new things and then being in the kick off meeting this afternoon for the next product release. I don't think I have anything to do with the next one, but the one after...

Raven's advice helped out a lot. I'm finally getting some understanding of everything that happened when Mark and I separated badly, and both why it happened and some of why it haunted me so badly. It's no longer a matter of fault or blame. Just of what was, what happened, what we felt and what we believed. I don't actually think it could have played out any other way, though Mark still sometimes says that if I hadn't given up then, things would have worked out differently. But... I think I would probably have been much worse off, if I hadn't given up and walked away for a while. I'm still not sure that he understands that. I know that he finally understands why, from my point of view, I thought he had already ended it, before I ever walked away. I'm still not sure if he really knows what it did to me. As much because of his own lousy self-esteem as through my inability to communicate it.

That first step, though, was necessary. That he sees it at all is the first step towards something like a real working through of it all. It's not something he could have done two years ago, I don't think. Or even a year ago, for that matter. So it's all a matter of a time.

Heh, reminds me of the comedy act where the stand-up is ranting about politically correct double-talk and especially about the blame society now puts on women who 'enable their co-dependent men', "Fuck it, the guy's a jerk. Get out of there, find someone else, you don't need a jerk, ladies, to live your lives." But as often as society feeds women the myth that their love will change a bitter monster, it's a wonder we don't do it more often. The belief that we can make a difference, can reach out and help someone that is in such pain, who is so alone... that's so very hard to shake. Yeah. I think Mark's a lovely being, most of the time, he just gets depressed some of the time, and he just needs more, you know? Maybe I'm deluding myself, but it satisfies some part of my needs. Especially now that I *have* a solid and safe life.

It's funny to see Raven's understanding of me, sometimes. Sometimes I feel that it's only recently that I've gotten tired of angst, tired of 'could have beens' and tired of folks that complain instead of do what it is that they need to do. That I was ever one of the Kindly Ones for him astonishes me a little. Years ago, I probably would have coddled him in his despair, said there there, can I help? instead of just just telling him to get on with it already. Amusing to realize that I now know, "Can I help?" to someone that has no idea what's wrong, is probably the worst thing that can be asked, because the first thought in their head is, "No." which leads to, "Nothing can be done." Actually... the start of this journal is where I finally got tired of my own despair, which was originally caught from Mark's.

*laughter* Maybe I've actually learned something in the time since, and there isn't any way I could have really understood Mark and where he was coming from two years ago, either. So it's good that Mark's actually communicating and we're figuring things out. This time I have a feeling that I can call bullshit when I need to.

It's even better that I can stand on my own two legs and with my fresh, shiny new understanding of where I do stand, what I am, and where I want to go as well as where I don't want to go anymore, gleaned from studying the dreams and thoughts and wishes and actions of others. As many transformations as Raven has said that I've wrecked on him, he's given like, in kind.

Yeah, Paul, it's all your fault. I hope you're happy.

Well, I am.

© 1998 by Liralen Li.

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