January 28, 1998

Heh. My whole office is vibrating, and I didn't even have to pay a quarter! Construction crews are still out there and using a roller on some hills that they're building near my cubicle, and whenever it comes by everything vibrates like a quarter-tossed bed in a cheap hotel. Wheee...

REAL conducive to work. Yeah.

Leg's getting better each day. I can walk without a crutch and am making it up and down stairs with alternating legs even, so the knee can now take my full weight. It's aching more now that the swelling is gradually going down and ice is helping to clear it out some. The brace is still useful for sleeping, as it insures that the whole leg gets support in spots that don't cut off the circulation. For a while I tried sleeping last night without the brace and with a bunch of pillows under my legs to prop them up, but my right foot kept going numb. Not a comforting thing to have happen.

Been hot tubbing each evening to get all the constriction out of my muscles, as it's kinda a vicious cycle, pain causes constriction, which means no flow through of blood or lymph, which carry away the things that are making things hurt, so things hurt more. Gentle massage and the hot tub relax things so that there's flow through. Chi if you like the mystical label, blood and lymph if you don't. *grin* The knee now looks like it just has a medium sized orange in it, rather than the grapefruit it had over the weekend, and it's a lot more stable than it was.

Seems a shame to heal it up in order to cut into it again, but we'll see if we have to.

Apple pie for breakfast. John was a sweety during the weekend and went bike riding on his new mountain bike and bought me a Remlinger Granny Smith pie. Ooooo, *yum*. It's great with a bit of extra sharp cheddar, some green tea and painkillers.

The doc did warn me that the painkillers might upset my stomach, but it's really hard to have the runs when you can't run. Uhm... I think I'll leave the rest up to your imagination. Thank everything my stomach seems to have accepted it's fate, now, and the anti-inflammatory/painkiller is working quite well.

So life goes on. And time does heal. Work's doing well, and I'm getting things done again, after the training stuff, and it's moving smoothly ahead.

Was wandering through Anita's Book of Days and ran across the Keirsey Personality Test again. I've tested out as an INTP nearly every other time. For some reason this time I went through the test and came out an ISTP. I've wobbled on the introvert/extrovert stuff before, but never the sensing versus intuitive, before. How odd. Maybe I'm growing. *laughter*

Always kinda thought the personality classifications a touch limiting, in some ways, especially for borderline folks. I also wobble on the perceiving and judging scale, too. So it's kinda interesting reading all the personality classifications.

I hadn't ever thought about being an ISTP, though, and the classification fits, though, as that's part of how I'm able to do all the things that I do, I use the tools that enable me to do what I want to get done... is kinda cool to see this way.

Damnit... tired. I'm getting more and more tired more easily, what with this leg, and with hobbling about and it's just frustrating sometimes. Sometimes feel like a two-year-old who's exhausted and just doesn't know when to go to sleep, or something.

The tiredness is kicking in all my old insecurities at odd moments, detached and strange moments. It makes me grumpy, intractable, and oddly sad about nothing in specific, everything in general. Logically, I know I'm going to get through all this, probably just fine, but it reminds me, so much, of most of my childhood, where I was often broken for one reason or another. Asthma, allergies, fragile digestive system, heart murmur, near-sighted, and afraid of anything athletic, it's so odd to be where I am right now.

Sometimes I wonder if getting through all that was something that made me what I am. The experience of working through assumptions about what I was and changing them, making it easier to keep changing them. I still remember changing schools just before my senior year in high school and how much it freed me from my history. What a difference it made to have contacts and suddenly have peripheral vision and even a chance at some eye-hand coordination when I finally grew into my body's height.

I still have the perfectionism, still have feelings that sometimes I'm just an imposter, still often have feelings that I'm not good enough at anything that I do. *wry grin* Funny to feel that about this journal sometimes, when the reason for it has nothing to do with comparison. It's just me. Sometimes I really do wish I could just feel that I am going anything Good Enough and be content.

Heh. Eh. A forcible reminder that just because I feel something is true doesn't mean that it is.

Honestly, though, I guess I sometimes do. It's just hard to remember, sometimes.

© 1998 by Liralen Li.

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