< June 30, 1998 >

Long Day Revolt

We stayed at work until 8:30 p.m. yesterday. Not for a bad reason. John decided he simply had to get something done. It had even been a gorgeous day, and I watched it pass by me outside with something like regret.

One thing about the nearly daily journal thing, it means I have to find something interesting or compelling in each day, or else I start wondering what the hell it is I'm going to write about and be interested in myself. If I'm not interested in my day or in what happens or in what's going on why should I even consider the possibility that someone else might find it interesting?

So I angsted about the journal, which is about as stupidly meta as one can get, really. What to put in what not. The sliding touch of skin upon warm skin with eyes closed and hair scented with the musk of being human. Or should it even matter? I mean, it's not like there's any specific rules I have or don't have, so I should just write what I would write rather than worrying about shoulds.

To taste yesterday, it would mostly have been flat and frustrated. I had so many things I wanted to do at home. Like write, watch the World Cup tapes, cook something new and interesting, fix the last little things on my bike that needed to be fixed before I ride it for a few miles to start, maybe take Fezzik for a walk, and we had sunshine until late because it's *summer* in the north and all those possibilities gradually went down the drain as the sun shifted lower and lower and I heard nothing from John. There are brief moments when I sometimes think it's a metaphor for my life, that I'm just draining away all my other abilities and gifts by sticking here, in software, and doing it just to be with John.

At other times I know that it's been very good for me, too. Financially and otherwise. There is good work to be done here and all that, but I quickly get tired of sacrificing everything to work. Like my exercises, my books, my knitting, my *life*, what little of it that's left after work and sleep.

I've gotten better about telling John when I'm starting to feel trapped, too, so it doesn't just explode on him. The vacation was some relief from that and usually release is just for a few weeks, and I am usually pretty good at taking about three or four weeks of long hours, one day weekends, an the like, but when it stretches on for a while, I get antsy. And I've learned to talk about it with him when this feeling starts to hit, so last night we talked.

And we'll likely be getting home on time today. It's just the last few days of all this, the problem is that each day John thinks he can finish when it's at least another day's worth of stuff, but he pushes it. Some of the time constraints are dependent, now, on other people and other things, many of which will not happen after 5 p.m. which will be like going home way early for us. Then I might actually get the time to cook, to do my exercises, to put the kickstand and water bottle rack on my bike, tighten a few things up and take it on a test ride while it's still daylight around here. I do not want to hit our blackberry brambled and stinging nettle lined driveway in the dark. That would be bad.

Besides, I have no lights on that bike, so nighttime riding would be right out anyway.

John made up for it by making dinner and taking Fezzik for a walk when Fezzik was barking a lot. He made a nice cold dinner of taco salad, which is just a layer of lettuce, tomatoes, taco meat and beans, cheese, avocado and then crushed Doritos. He usually leaves off the dressing of salsa with sour cream because the tastes of just the combination of stuff is pretty good in and of itself.

Today's been lovely, too, outside, and I'm kinda looking forward to the possibilites for the evening even as I grind away at candidate testing and worry about the next phase of development. This should be it. We'll see.

Was saying, once, to Cera that debugging and coding is like the coolest puzzle in your life because when you figure out the answer, the answer works. It demonstrates behaviors in the correct fashion when you correct it. Instant gratification and proof that what you do makes a difference. Sometimes I really do believe it. Othertimes I just want to throw something and swear a lot at the machine. This is why Nerf weapons are a *must*.

Maybe it's just that I haven't had a competitive sport in my life for nearly six months now and I'm just aching with it. Well, I guess the bike might help at least give me a hard enough workout that I can just ignore the other. This anger and frustration thing usually dies well enough when I've been doing physical therapy in a big way and I have another session tomorrow with Rick, so that'll likely get me back down. Especially if I do something stupid tonight like ride too far on my bike.

Can't be any worse than the seven mile ride I was thinking of hitting this morning, just getting to work. But without the time to prep the bike it would have been stupid. I have PT tomorrow, so it would also be stupid to expect myself to be able to ride home afterwards, and Thursday is supposed to be a sopping wet day. So it looks like Friday will actually be my first long ride. So I'll likely do all the things I need to do to it and go for a short hop to the grocery store tonight for fun and experimentation.

Though I'll not worry about expectations, just getting up the driveway might be enough of a test for me.

© 1998 by Liralen Li.

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