September 25, 1998
Thank you, too, for seeing true and showing me what you see.
John made cookies last night. We actually got home in time to cook a dinner and eat it before 8 p.m., which is a minor miracle. We did forget to pick up my bike, and I fear, today, that we'll not likely get around to it either. I had fun doing all the dishes from a dinner of steak, mashed potatoes, and salad with half a loaf of cheese-garlic bread. Not particularly healthy, but quite satisfying for a dinner.
I was entirely stressed from work, still am. Still too many things to do in too little time. But it's now clear, what is to get done, what is not to do, and what needs doing. Priorities and mental shifts and good goals. It should be pretty solid. Thing is that I can't seem to turn off the worry circuits even when I can't do anything, which really sucks. Until John gets me off my mental tracks and into a more positive groove.
Sometimes, you know, I think everyone is actually broken in some way. It's just a matter of extent. Not if or when or how someone is broken, just that everyone is, but that they compensate, more or less, and they heal, more or less. I'm getting better, gradually, and I just can't get down on myself when I mess up, or it'll just continue the old cycle.
And I'm tired of old cycles.
So I did the dishes, encouraged John to make cookies, and put flea stuff on Fezzik as it was that time already. Monthes flow by so quickly when I'm not looking, and I really did *not* want another repeat of what happened last month. I then went up early to take a long, long, long, hot bath with jasmine cream bubble bath and candles. John's brother and his wife had given me the bubble bath for my birthday, which isn't for a week, yet, but they were able to come for Fezzik's birthday, so passed the gift on then. I loved the bath, soaked until I nearly fell asleep in the water.
It was a European style bubble bath, I could tell from the silky, open structured bubbles. It wasn't the styrofoam of some of the more artificial American bubble bathes, no stiff foam structures. This was silky, light, and by the time I was done, all the bubbles were gone, and I was left with clear water and no soap ring on the tub.
I enjoy just soaking, breathing, watching the candlelight. Realized, as I soaked, that for some candlelight is a religious experience, for others a spiritual exercise in study, and for some, the entire physical phenomenon of plasma in existence and burning bright such a wonder of reality that it awes the mind. Which may all be the same thing. Or not.
Sleep was sweet.
Woke up again around 6:30. Realized that it's because my mind, soul and body, it seems, knows that it's release time, that it's time for that regimen of action that is constant and pervasive. That my life now marches entirely by the clock of work and that's simply that.
The rain is falling today. Falling hard and fast and thick and solid. Grey and wet and lovely. So lovely and the air is sweet with water, clean water washing the sky, the trees, and everything underneath. It's going to be utterly gorgeous tomorrow. Today, the sky is solid grey and the curtains of rain wash everything. It's so cool.
I drove the Stoat into the one-horse barn in the rain, feeling water falling all around me and with me and on me. The neon green PVC rain coat that I got from J. Peterman's was just perfect for the weather, letting none of the water actually fall on me, and I could see the water beading, rolling off it. It's been so long, too long, and I'm glad to see it back, and the scent of the rain in the forest was so marvelous, the trees all perking up with it.
Makes it really cozy to sit in an office and work, work, work, glad of the warmth, the shelter, and the tea. Though John surprised me thoroughly this morning by putting the mugs on the floor of the back part of the Rangy and taking me to Victor's. A breakfast of chocolate chip cookies and caramel latte had me bouncing off the roof, off all the walls, all crazy energy and then suddenly crashing hard during a meeting. I nearly fell asleep. I seem to be getting into the habit of drinking tea, which doesn't send me flying as high, nor crashing quite as hard. Sugar and caffeine in high voltage doses seems to fuck with my concentration more than help it.
But I got the priority list done, and we went through it for what was done, what was to do and who would do it. So I'm going to have to start hacking at that Stack of Stuff To Do.
It was pouring all during lunch. Great, big, fat droplets coming down in a rush as we wandered out to get my bike and then went to Arby's for lunch. The bike was out in a storage area, so the guy took a while getting it, but it seems to be in good shape and there was nothing messed up and nothing that needed too much work, so I have it back, now. I would have been completely soaked but for my raincoat and John's coat was good and wet by the time we were eating lunch even. Two guys without any coats at all were eating and bantering about business models in computing and how businesses are affected by the process software they buy.
They said they'd pay John to drive 'em to their office building. Which... amused me. I dunno. I should probably have said something scathing to them or something, but I didn't. Anyway... lunch was yummy.
We dropped by Eagle as well on the way out, and looked for parts for a snapped off overdrive shaft. It was fun to look for a while, then I got bored, and wandered about, lost John, looked for him, found him and then got promptly lost again looking at halogen lamps. With the rain and the clouds my office, without the florescent lighting enabled, was as dark as a cave, and I wanted something incandescent and bright. But there was nothing there, though the heat from all the lights was lovely after all the cold and wet.
Got back and was able to, immediately, start to solve problems, as the list made it very clear what needed to be done and in what kind of order. That really made it easy to not only get started but just do things, one after another. Problem is that these problems really do take nearly all my attention. So the usual Friday play kinda was just out of it for me. Luckily, some of the other folks couldn't play, so the ones that could did Sliders stuff, which is Daimonique and Sarah running into weird Other Heavens. So my attention wasn't particularly necessary, but it's fun to watch the others play.
Well, things seem lined up for tomorrow. We'll see if they actually come off as planned. It'll be good to see Zonker again and see Cera and Jim and run around doing things. I have, have, have to make tiramisu tonight, it takes at least a day to soak up things nicely.
The weather, all of a sudden, has cleared, brilliant sunshine, all the brighter for the dark before burned deep green in the trees outside my window. It's gorgeous, with all the white puffs of clouds sailing across the sky.
It's going to be interesting tomorrow.