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April 10, 2000
a year ago

Working With Reality

Today started with and immense and wonderful surprise, a good reminder of joy's existance in the world. But the rest of it was a pretty tense day at work. I started it off late to a meeting that was at 8:30 and I thought was at 9; but it turned out that it didn't matter that I was late, which was good.

Lots of things happening, and finally the bugs from the new sections of work started to appear and marketing sounded a bit bewildered at how this could be. If you change code, things can happen, and the problem was that the things that are happening are the ones that I was most afraid of and hadn't really had the time to plant through completely. Some of the core stuff that I'd touched was starting to behave differently and it wasn't good.

There was one bug that looked like a show stopper and was in code that I didn't know, at all. Luckily, Sudipto decided to take a first look at it. There were two bugs that I had that had to be approved before I could actually put them into the development streams, but I could work through them and test the fixes.

Also, the Nasdaq has started what looked like an awful slide. Not fun.

I also had code changes that both Bob and I had done that had to be folded into four different streams of development. Luckily, that was simply tedious work that needed a lot of triple-checking and didn't require too much brain as I didn't have much left after everything else after finding and testing the bug fixes that I had already found. So that was slow but steady work and very repeatative.

Geoff was a sweety online and was just there and mostly quiet and good at talking when I had a moment to talk and let me rant when I needed to rant. He also surprised the heck out of both of us be remonstrating me to take a nice, warm bath early and get to sleep early tonight after my massage. That was really funny and very keen. I also ranted a lot at John on the way home about late changes and how much I hated them. I ranted all the way to CeLena's, where I broke the bad news about Fezzik, and that I'd had an awful day.

CeLena was good to me. She was thorough, but mostly gentle. She helped loosen up some really tight stuff all around my neck and shoulders and, for some reason my left back was a complete mess. Runnels of acid along the spine. But she got through that and then worked on my legs and lower back and while she did that I almost fell asleep on the table. It was so very, very good. When John picked me up he commented, "Wow, that is quite the change." I was all quiet and relaxed and had nothing of all the tensions and worries of the day with me.

That was nice.

To be so thoroughly unwound.

John took chicken wings we'd bought Sunday, the last of the stuffed potatoes and made more simple spinach salad. Yum. Simple food fast. I chopped fruit for oatmeal, in case I wanted some the rest of the week; but by 9 p.m. I was in a warm bath with plenty of salt and before 10 I was curls up in bed and edging into darkness. Mmm...

I guess life goes on, any way it can or will. There isn't really any point to worrying anymore about Fezzik, it is or it isn't. Uncertainty simply is a principle, not a reality either way. And I think I've started making my peace with the fact that this is happening. On the way home, John told me that one of our co-workers' six-year-old daughter was also diagnosed with cancer on Friday. In the intervening weekend, she'd had a kidney removed, and was starting chemo for the kidney that remained as it was cancer of the kidneys. Much pain and grief and coping for that family. I wish them well, and all the best odds. I hope it works out for them.

I also realized that, because of that, Fezzik has already had a really long, full, and really good life. He's been everything we've ever wanted in a dog and a whole lot more, more than we would ever have known to ask for because he's fit so well with how we live, how we do things. He's always been kind and good and gentle with everyone he's met, he's always been polite and beautiful and patient with us. He's been good company and a great companion through life. Independent enough that we can leave him to his own devices, but affectionate even so. He really is old and tiring, and when he goes, we'll make sure that it's not painful or too hard on him.

I can't compare him to an actual child. He is only a dog. Yet... he's been such an integral part of our life for nearly 12 years, now. I guess, in some ways, I'm resigned to losing him eventually, and in making the time I have left good. It'll be okay. It's the way things are, I guess, and worrying doesn't help.

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