April 2, 1998

Things To Do

Walked into the office this morning, unlocked the machine and saw about eight tasks, four appointments, and an unremembered dentist appointment for today. Woohoo! Stuff to do.

Last night, talked with John, asked him what he thought about yesterday's entry because he so rarely actually comments on my entries, and he paused for a long moment and said that it sounded like I needed taking care of. So he ordered pizza, walked the dog, got me to ride the damned stationary bike, and generally took care of most of the stuff around the house and around dinner.

I had a lot of things all coiled up in my brain, and when I got on the stationary bike, they started uncoiling. Not much to do but pedal and think. Realized that for the last three years, in some form or another, I've blamed quite a lot of depression, anger, and frustration on Markleford, in some form or another. Not that he hasn't done some things worth being angry about, but I'd given it all to him, basically made him responsible for a lot of my emotional life, and basically made myself powerless about feeling bad about him. It's still a two-way street, but I really need to take responsibility for my part of it and regain some control over what I *think* about what he does or doesn't do. Something I probably have thought before, but now what do I *do* about it?

Mostly think some more, and think through silences, think through what he says and what he means rather than just jumping again. Also take responsibility for my emotional side of things and report to him when I am off-balance, when I am already overloaded. Then he has a chance. And I have a better handle on how I'm feeling with or without him. On my own.

And, okay, I can't compete against huge burly guys, or arrogant little fast guys, or aggressive pushy guys, but I can compete against myself. So I pushed last night on the darned bike and didn't listen to muscles yelling, and got over five miles in twenty five minutes. Five minute miles aren't too bad on a bike. Not fantastic, but not too bad. Pushing past the pain also got everything to flow and all the blood flow got my muscles to relax for at least the first stage.

The shower helped the next, then dinner stiffened me up a bit, but then John started into work with a nice all-over massage. The worst bits were my left arm and my shoulders and my lower back. Everything else contributed. I finally found out that everything was all knotted up, which was why everything was aching yesterday. And the pain was knotting things up more, which spent more energy on tight muscles than I really had. By the time John's hands gave out, I was just relaxed enough to know just how bad the knots were in my lower back and my left arm and shoulder were pretty much on fire.

Ouch. But at least I wasn't where I was. Which was more like stone than something that could be loosened up. Maybe I should invite Shiloh over to finish off the job tonight, but I feel funny about that. It's kinda fun to only see him once in a while and make it a real treat.

Besides, there's just so much to be done, and tonight I can write and take a bath or something to just relax by myself for a bit, as John has a meeting with someone else.

I also ordered an armful of stuff from the J. Peterman's catalog this morning, though they didn't have the silk caftan that I wanted to just lounge around at home in. They had another one, but it was a very garish red, and I just wasn't really into something *that* bright. Got them to send it to me second day air as I really wanted it before I went into surgery and with the spring weather, I'm really hurting for a good raincoat. Heh... the one that I'm going to get is lime green. I really should take a picture of the darned thing with my hair and put it up here sometime. The knee pictures should go up sometime, too.

We finally have the connection from home working.

So, in addition to the dentist's, I have lots to do at work, a brace fitting to do, and possibly some tea equipment to get and talk with the tea shop owner about. So at least I'm not going to angst much today.

One really funny thing that I read last night was that Richard Simmon's, that hyperactive little guy, has this practice of having a tomato timer for only 5 minutes. He turns on the timer, and, for just five minutes, thinks about all the things that went wrong on that day. When the timer dings, he gets on with the rest of his life. Man, to be able to only angst for five minutes a day. *grin* A goal of sorts.

Wow. The brace is pretty keen. No cavities, Ma! Pretty keen. Also a nice letter from Mark that got a few things settled and mostly just helped me feel good again. I don't know why. Another bunch of letters from Raven helped as well as talking with John a little. The best thing about the letter from Mark was that it helped me feel just a little more safe about him, just about talking with him, and only angels know how long that's been.

The brace has metal sides and lots of padding and good velcro closures and actually is pretty comfortable. The only problem is that I can just barely straighten my knee enough to lock the brace straight. That is going to be interesting after the surgery to see if I can actually straighten it that much. It does make motion with the leg pretty straightforward. It's really smooth and each and nice and doesn't bump anything. It would really be dangerous out on a soccer field, though, so it's not likely going to go out there without a cover on it.

But small steps towards getting *somewhere* with all this and getting past the pain.

I hate going to the dentist as I nearly always end up with something like a cracked tooth or something to fill. And have you ever noticed just how vulnerable you really are when that lady is picking away at all the stuff on your teeth? Small slips can be painful. But she did okay, and I did okay and I didn't have any cavities or cracked teeth this time, so that was very good news. My tooth guard, that I wear at night, now has this deep crack all through the right molar area, likely due to all the tension I've been grinding my teeth at night, so after eight years or so it's finally time to get a new night guard made.

The old one was made so long ago, it doesn't really fit all my crowns and things and may well be a contributing factor to the pain in my shoulders and jaw. So I'll just keep taking more steps to ease the problem.

All that and a useful day at work, too! Gotta finish coordinating this coming weekend with visiting people and then I can just work and in the evening write and soak and sleep, oh my!

© 1998 by Liralen Li.

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