February 5, 1999
Today Markleford asked me if I really wanted to move, and when I asked him what his definition of want was, he replied, "want = Think it will make you the happiest Phyllis you can be". It seems a very useful definition.
At the moment, I really don't know if, by that definition, it's what I want. I'm full of fear and uncertainty at the moment, and while I can see the benefits in the long term, I'm starting to get eaten alive by the stresses and angers of the short term. I am in no mood for any of this, and it's showing in broad strokes. Gradually, I'm finding myself hating more and more and more of all of this. It's just getting to the point where I'm overloaded, overwhelmed, and feeling like dealing is getting to be just way, way too much.
Or, more likely, it's just that there's a section of my mind that is feeling that it *ought* to be this way, that I shouldn't be able to deal with all this.
I actually excused myself from a meeting this morning because it didn't have a fucking thing to do with what I was doing, and had absolutely nothing to do with what I was going to be doing, and while it was something that meant that more than one person in the group would know about what was going on with stuff, I'd had way, way, way too much of this data compacting into other brains just so it would get carried to Boulder. I'm well into overflow of my memory. And my introvert characteristics were just burning into overload as well.
I am kinda glad that I just politely excused myself rather than going into flaming rage mode.
In the end, I'm pretty sure that this is all going to work out. Right now I'm just not dealing, though.
A pretty simple day at work, on the whole, just trying to catch up with everything, get notes into the the word processor via voice. I am doing this by hand because I'm getting a really scratchy voice. I got to talk with my 'buddy' from the San Jose office, who is actually in Chicago, which is kinda cool, for a while. Just talk about everything and anything, they want friendships tying the various groups together, which I really think is a good way to go.
We put Fezzik in the boarding place this morning, he wasn't too unhappy or happy with it, just resigned mostly. Since we arrived there early, we stopped at a donut shop and had donuts and coffee and a grin at a wall hanging that had patches from all the local police departments around a cartoon that showed the waitress at a donut shop answering the phone with, "Yes, this is 911." and all the police folks in the background, lined up on the stools. That was cool.
When I focus on specifics, on actions, on the things that are done or doing, then I'm okay. It's when I look at the whole thing and let myself get overwhelmed that it goes nuts. The steps are easy. I mean, we're *getting* the painting done, we're getting a carpet guy in this evening that may do all the carpets while we're gone, and we're getting a roof estimate setup from half a dozen companies. We're just going to look at houses and maybe buy one, it is a very straightforward and singular task for five entire days, it can't be that bad. Picking up a single plant at a time leads to all three dozen on the diningroom table, eventually, just as hitting each key for a letter ends up with this page, and each page ends up with yet another month packed up neat and tidy and done with and a bunch of those months end up in years.
Steps. Each its own adventure. Now I get to try and live that. <grin>