January 14, 1998

It's always a learning experience to see a shared experience from inside someone else's head. Especially someone as... hrm... how to put it... prone to prose as I can be. It's all in the details.

And the boy did have a lot in his back, I can tell you. Knots on stresses on tensions with boards underneath, and there's still a lot there to be worked out, but the initial layers seem to have been done pretty well. Could feel that in my hands when I was done. As relaxing as a backrub is for whomever I do lay hands on, it's a workout and work-through for me, too, especially when I take the time to do it thoroughly and slowly and completely.

It's an interesting relationship. What happens when mirrors meet? Infinities? Shards of broken glass? Nothing but illusions? Or a truth that couldn't have been seen before because it was behind me all the time? Or do I find that I'm nothing but a hollow woman with leaves at her back? Raven's reflections have been prettier than I expected. *laughter* As always, but that's okay. It's been fun trying to give him something true back, too.

Mark wrote me an interesting small piece about how uninteresting empty spaces are, and that while he didn't doubt that I could write rhapsodies about them, he didn't think he could himself because he needed something more concrete. Then Raven writes that last update which talks about empty spaces. What do you fill them with? What can I grab to fill in the holes that Markleford left me to deal with? I stopped the bleeding by walking away, but now there are half-healed hollows where he once walked.

Heh. Maybe I should put in gold or gleaming jewelry as I've put in the new hole in my head. Friendships and relationships that are valuable and worthwhile and give me back as much as I give, if not more. Though... some part of me cannot abandon that soul whose breath I breathed as my own for a while. But now it can be without that fear of losing him again. As I've already lost, so what more can it hurt?

I also liked how Raven summed up the whole do or not do thing, it's not do or not do in order to find out if you failed or succeeded, as neither fail nor succeed has meaning outside of ones own tastes or relative measurements, measurements that have no meaning outside of comparisons with what someone else has done. It's the doing that matters...

He's always said that I'm more Taoist than even I really know.

But then I never really said I knew anything.

Last night I indulged a bit after being pushed just a little by Carl and Gretchen, as Gretchen said that sometimes she has a craving for a hunk of rare meat, so I picked up the craving and ran with it to QFC. Bought myself an eight ounce tenderloin steak, and cooked it up rare with caramelized onions while boiling a potato. When the potato was done, I broke it up with the onions and had a pile of hash browns with my steak and peas and ate it all up. Yum. Also bought a frozen apple pie and baked it and ate a sliver of a slice for dessert with my vitamins and an ibiprofin for the light swelling from my piercing.

Watched the news and then took a bath and got to bed before midnight. A few hours later Fezzik started barking his head off and a car came down the driveway, and some unknown time of sleep later a very cold, big body got into bed and sighed as I wrapped myself around myJohn and so woke up with a husband again. Hoorah!

Crazy busy at work today. I feel like Raven's analogy of a lion chasing an entire herd of project antelope, each one interrupting the killing of the previous one. So I get the taste of blood from each one, but none of them are completely down and most of them are still kicking. Got John to help me corner two of them, so they're about done, and with Dan and Adam's help I should be able to take down a few more. Three of them are just my very own, though, and DragonDictate is helping me do thorough work on them, a bite at a time.

Heh. At the Beyond the Edge Cafe, on the weekend, I ordered a hot meatloaf sandwich and it came, rich and warm and brown and completely meat covered, and Sev said, "Carnivore." with laughing, amused and amusing scorn. I just nodded happily, wolf face bright on my t-shirt, "Hyup. That I am," and dug in.

There really is power in knowing oneself and knowing what one is, and abiding by those rules.

© 1998 by Liralen Li.

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