July 16, 1997

It's really funny having people just stop and stare at me. Some people ask me why? Others just stare for a bit and then stop and others just take it in stride. Most of the latter seem to be the people that know me the best. It's interesting to watch and listen and see.

One of the things that I read during my stay at Carl's was a whole slew of back issues of The Invisibles a very interesting comicbook that comes with the premise of a war between those that fight for perfect order and those that fight for chaos, with the chaosians as the heros/anti-heros. Where nearly all the Invisibles are actually people from the fringes of society, the misfits and the 'others' that no one really looks at, eventhough they might stare.

Sometimes I wonder if it's only the fringe folks that can get people to open up to their own need for uniqueness, to not be ashamed or frightened or fucked up about the very things that make them unique and special and to be treasured. That if there's someone that's 'weirder' than you are, if, somehow you're safe to be weird. Odd to realize that all my life I've been different, but never had the 'courage' to show it in this way. Now, it seems odd to have ever really feared.

The mystic in me says that this is how I should have been made, anyway. With the outward sign of my internal differences so utterly obvious to the eye. I'm really looking forward to church, to the deacons' meeting, to being all that God made me to be.

I also find that, by Steven's advice and my own experience, that I'm less and less resistant to the idea of people around me reading this. I gave my husband the address to this journal of mine the day it was put together, mostly because it's always, always, always eaiser to be 'just me' in all situations, especially with him, rather than trying to keep up some kind of mask. The hair color thing has pulled down that mask of the meek conformist completely to the point where it opens doors for some people to actually talk with the me that actually exists rather than the one they think 'should'. Reminds me of the time I was dancing with some of the guys at work... and one of the guys talked with me afterwards and said that he'd always thought of me as quiet, unexpressive, and how completely tmy dancing had smashed that image he'd had of me.

Went to the dentist to get my tooth fixed today, and one of the things he did to take both our minds off the pain of the novacaine injection was to talk about his son, who had dyed his hair a number of times. His wife didn't like it when their son did that, but the dentist noted that it certainly was better than a lot of other things he might be doing. I just grinned. The dentist also talked about how the hair folks he went to kept bugging him about dyeing his hair and getting the 'grey out' and then said that I was braver than he was. As he worked on me he debated getting an earring, as he'd always wanted one, but worried about how it would look to his customers. One of the keenest things was that he said that he had never really thought that I would be the kind that would go out and do such a thing, so it opened up the possibility, for him, that he might do something he hadn't ever thought he could.

That was keen.

Had lunch at work, out on the porch, and the hair was glowing green, shining brightly in the sunlight and Adam kept talking about having to degauss his eyes and brain to see me again. That was funny.

What was best, though is that I didn't have to get the tooth crowned, the dentist just filled it with the bonding material, so it wasn't as open to the air and temperature changes. Luckily, it wasn't shattered like the last one. Just the one piece taken off it.

Work isn't getting any better, but my attitude is. I've broken one of the biggest problems into pieces and I'm tackling each piece at a time and deliberately ignoring every damned thing else, so I'm far, far happier. It helped to go over things with my boss and have it Be So, i.e. that I should concentrate on the things that I'm concentrating on and to heck with the rest.

The kitchen is gradually being put together, and David's been having a good time with it and it's gradually getting to be more and more like what we want it to be. It's been really neat to see it all going together the way it is. All the counters are now in place, the sink is back, the range is in place but without a vent, and the refridgerator is now in its spot by the microwave. We're starting to put things in at random to see where they can go and see what they look like in the places that they can start and we'll move things around when it makes sense.

David was amused by my hair and told Jeanette about it and she came back saying that she'd always wanted to make her hair purple. He said that I was tempting her. <grin> Not a bad thing to have happen.

© 1997 by Liralen Li

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