July 17, 1997

"There are aliens among us." Hee hee. That was Jane's reaction this. Hee. I really liked that, amusingly enough. She thought it was really funny that I turned my hair this color and with a permanent dye even. That was keen. Jane and Victor own Victor's coffee house, which is our favorite place to have coffee and espresso drinks. They're a really keen couple and Victor talks with John about Land Rovers and Jane's into rowing. We've been going there for years, now and Jane says that we should actively own a part of their business with as much money as we put into their coffee drinks.

Mike, last night at our Red Herrings game, said he had to ask me if it was an accident, and I told him with a grin that, nope, it was as it was meant to be. Also, at the Trader Joe's as I was buying juice and cookies a little girl just sat and stared at me for a very long time before tugging on her mom's arm and declaring, "Mommy, Mommy! That lady has green hair!" I nodded and her mom agreed with her, yes, the lady had green hair.

It's been interesting.

I've lost the surity I had yesterday about the project, and I'm groping about looking for it again. I'll likely, instead, be working sometime this weekend to get it together. Short time deadlines, especially the ones that I set up for myself, are the ones that I hate the most because my stomach hurts when I can't get something done when I thought I could/should.

A few days ago a friend of mine asked a bunch of us in a MUSH room, "Would you trade all possibility of romance for a Whole Lot of Money? You married folks are excused from the question, a you wouldn't want to give up what you already have, would you?"

I actually answered her and said, yes, I'd gladly give up all possibility of romantic relationships for a Pile of Money, mostly because I didn't really think of my marriage as being romantic. For me, romance is based on the premise that two people come together because they 'should' and the whole 'romance' is based on two people acting as the other person thinks they 'should', rather than as they would. It was the heart of my relationship with Mark that both of us constantly surprised each other, for six whole months, by each of us acting as the other thought they 'should'. Fulfilling secret dreams that were never spoken, only met by accident. When the accidents ran out it boiled up and died a screaming death of such complete pain. Because everything that 'should' have been no longer was. We both turned into what we were rather than what the other would have us be. I still run into the fact that for the entire downfall of the relationship Mark kept telling me what he hated about me, about how I felt, what I did, and, most of all, about everything that I enjoyed. That fucked me up more than anything. He says, quite straightly, that he's just expressing his opinion, but the way he says it renders everything I love and take joy and learning from into dust and ashes. I can definitely do without that.

'Should's make, in my not so humble opinion, the perfect recipe for despair, hate and betrayal. Especially when there's been the complete illusion of perfect synch for a while. Then it's even worse. Yes, I'd rather be quit of romance for my entire life, thank you.

John and I know each other and love each other for what we are. There's no illusion that either of us contains the secret information to reach the other's soul and heart and all desires. We talk about what we want, and then we give it if we want to. And if we don't, it's not a failing in either of us, it's just how we are. It beats 'romance' hands down. It's comforting, comfortable, nurturing and builds each of us up rather than tearing us down.

I used to get a crush on someone just about every two years or so. It all died after Mark. I've never gotten to that stage again, and with some luck and caution and thought I should never hit that again. It hurt far too badly. Cera once said that she thought that if she ever lost the ability to be infactuated with another person, she'd also lose the ability to be infactuated with new things as well. I don't know if she isn't right, but I think I'm going to live, for a while at least, as if she were wrong and still get involved in writing, in games, and in drawing and art and the dozens and dozens of books I've always wanted to read without ever getting infactuated or involved in another human being.

It was interesting reading her entry about being bi. I do agree with her and wonder if there is something that I could/should do to help the Community in some way. Bi's are kinda the gate in some ways, the way for both sides to see that there is a kind of link between 'us' and 'them', which is why both sides seem to be more uncomfortable with bisexuals than anyone else. They can't be classified to either side, can't be safely hated, as they may well be married or mated or partnered with one.

It was funny to find my feelings and thoughts reflected so completely as to the regret, but also joy at going ahead with the path I chose so long ago with John.

I've also been reading other people's entries more and more often, a few people whose words touch something that's familiar to my heart. Daily Epiphany by Bill Chance seems to speak of a daily life that is very comforting to me, for some reason. Eventhough, with two kids, he's likely well older than I and seems to be far more conservative in some ways, there so much in his entries that I just <laughter> groove to, that it's nice to just read for a while when I'm catching up to my own day.

© 1997 by Liralen Li

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