July 25, 1997

Peggy threw a good-bye drinks-on-her thing for Sam Waggoner at Red Hook Brewery last night. We were out on the patio, in the hot sun after work, it felt good, and it's been a long time since we've done that. I don't ever drink, but I've always found the company of drunks interesting. It seems to be when people think outside the box a lot more easily, if not too clearly. The conversation happily zoomed about on everything from the state of the company and the division to the state-of-the-art tools in high tech Japanese companies, to sheepdogs and shepherding training, to how to get t-shirts made on short order, to travel horror stories in Europe, to the feeling of what it's like to touch the Wailing Wall in Jeruselem, to watching a long ago director of Engineering moon his entire staff, to what it feels like to be pulled under a raft in the midst of white water, and around to 'watching drunks' as a spectator sport.

"Hey, you know, I think that narrow-minded people much see the world very differently."

"Uhm... yeah. They probably see a pretty narrow world."

"Oh... wow... that's probably true!"

It's been a while since the Synario crew got together and got really drunk for a while. It helped release a lot of tension and uncertainty and there was something of a resolution to do it more often, and not just because someone was leaving. That was good. Poor Sam. He was pretty upset on finding out that Data I/O wasn't going to be replacing anyone that left, he'd thought that they'd at least replace him, and now he's left our support folks so much in the lurch that they're hurting.

It's likely going to be a hard couple of months, at least. We'll see what happens on the other side. <very wry grin> There are times, when the company hoses us like this that I'm actually glad we haven't made much money for them, yet.

Mae, Bob's wife, is a really nice Taiwanese lady, who came over to the U.S. quite some time ago, and is now working as a computer sales person; but wants to be selling something else, perhaps, she thinks. She's been a software programmer for a while, but in an environment which makes it so that she never wants to do that again. So they were thinking up names for her business, and coming up with stuff all over the place, including Mae West, when I popped up and said, "How about Mae East?" All three of them liked it, so that may be it...

John, being John, was extorverted, loud and boisterous while drinking, and had fun emulating a woman at the next table who was just screaming when she was excited. John would just scream every time she did. She, of course, didn't notice at all. John's shin is probably black and blue by now. I had fun kicking him a lot, knowing that it probably wouldn't make a bit of difference. It was just fun doing it.

Slowly, slowly, feeling the pull and tug of the whole journalling community that's involved in Open Pages. It's quiet and nice and interesting. Thoughts and feedback, interesting topics and interesting people. I'm gradually reading more and more other journals, seeing what there is to see, and getting to know folks a little bit better, one at a time. I really, really liked Jay's answer to my desire to build a religion. He's done one, and it's keen and funny and simple. Maybe I'll just follow that one and not bother with my own.

It did make me a bit conscious of the fact that I'm not very humorous, but... well, that's okay. I enjoy Jay's humor a lot; but I don't have to be like him that way. It's fun enough to just share the fact that I enjoy what he writes.

Occassionally, I stop and sigh and wonder if I want a fourth life on the Net, and another part of me scoffs at my agonizing so early. There's little I have to worry about, it's a whole 'nother medium, a whole 'nother set of people, there's nothing on earth or off it that says I'm going to get as popular as the last three times, and I don't have to duck a damned thing. Just unsub from the diary list. I could do nothing more, ever, but write in my journal and answer the one or two emails a week. Period. Not write for an audience, just for myself for the first time in my life. But that's how I started all the other times, and that's what I did at the beginning those other times, and the popularity distracted me from that inner voice. Or I let it. And I do learn.

The folks of the Horde know that I've got faults, and am only human; and like me even so.

I guess the other half of the equation about being able to do anything is the guilt I bring back into the equation about not doing 'anything' when there's an opportunity to. I think it's time I left that behind. About time, actually. Was reading Cera's entries again and startled to see myself and my belief... and grinned a bit as that was probably the same kind of choice I made myself a while back. And, yes, Cera, I enjoy reading your entries, too, as I seem to enjoy reading people's thoughts, see them from inside their head rather than the way the people who see them everyday do, from the outside.

The one thing that the green hair is really impressing upon me is the fact that I haven't had anything that was as self-centering for me, before. That there has never been an aspect of my outterself that has gotten so much of my inner attention before this. It's kinda keen, very different. Very oddly self-centered and self-centering. It's different. I'm still completely undecided as to wheither it's good or bad. I know I talk about myself a little bit more to the people I see everyday, with it, which is likely neither or both.

<sigh> Dreamed of my ghost of Mark again. The slender, long-haired one, though I know that the real one's presently a good fifty pounds heftier than I and completely shaved bald. It's a lot eaiser to remember he's changed, now. Anyway... it was something utterly simple... just standing, him leaning against a door frame and me leaning against him and both of us just resting in each others arms. His breath in my hair, his scent in my breath. He was the one that said that it's the simple things that are sometimes sweetest.

Sweet dream. But just a dream.

Tomorrow is going to be river rafting. It's supposed to be hot and sunny and there will be a stop for swimming as well as for lunch. Should be a blast. I'll probably bring home the Kinesis keyboard so I'll be able to type a entry or report in. My hand and tendons really ache...

I'm in a really foul mood this afternoon. Grumpy and tired and aching and upset by myself and my own inability to let myself make mistakes. Or my need to be completely furious with myself when I do. That's draining. I don't like it, but the only thing I seem to be able to really do about it is just let it pass. Feel it, roll with it, and let it pass when I can. Nearly bit Bryant's head off, today, over the stupid <p> </p> pairing. Finally tried backing off, but then he went and looked at the official page and eventhough it's a container, it's officially optional to close a paragraph with the </p>. But then I wandered about wondering if perl could do a filter for me... and Bryant, partially in apology, mostly because I offered to bribe him with good coffee, built me a very solid filtering script in perl, which I then proceeded to bastardize thoroughly.

Bryant's very nice to me, eventhough the two of us happen to have some of the same stubborness tendencies that tend to send us at loggerheads with each other. And when we do fight it's wall-to-wall knock down, drag out... shit, this is over our heads, kinda fighting. He caught it this time and defused it nicely. I thank him muchly for the actions.

Sadly, for some reason, I can't run my perl script on the machine here at cmu, so I'll likely write stuff on netcom or dev or even at work and mail it here and post it or something...

© 1997 by Liralen Li

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