July 30, 1997

Got to see Contact last night. It was really, really good for me, mostly because it reminded me of who and what I was and what I really am happiest being.

God's never really been the right word for what I worship. What I really have always worshipped is That Which Is, another way of putting The Supreme Being. Note, not the Supreme Doing, but the Supreme Being. What is. Not something that does. But simply all that is. All that is, for me, has always had a purpose, a reason, and a connection with all other things that are. Nothing really can exist in complete isolation, it all relys on something else. Even if it's just the air we breath. For me, the God that the Christians speak of is that aspect of all that is.

I've always been fascinated by, in love with everything that is. Everything. Even the things that other people find ugly, even the things that other people think of as 'popular', even the things that people think are completely over the edge or should be kept in dark places. I love learning about all of it. Everything reveals to me more of God's Plan, is one wording of it; but, for me, everything is just COOL to see and learn about and find out about.

It's why Mark's way was so alien to me and so completely deadly to me. For him, his main reality is that he's getting more and more bored with everything, whereas I, at one time, couldn't conceive of ever being bored with life, with existance, with all the wonderful things that are and that there are to do. The main mistake I made was to do my usual thing, which was take on his viewpoint in order to understand it. It nearly killed me to be that unemotional about so much that is marvelous, awesome, tremendous, gorgeous, and utterly striking.

Of course I'm weird. I find something to rapsodize about in giving a dog a bath, in the sound of the wind through the trees, the shape of a cloud, the touch of a breeze on a summer's day. But that is who and what I am, and how I'm built.

I think that what I loved the most about the movie was when Elly just starts to slide down into the gullet of the first wormhole and she cries out, just at the very last instant as it grabs her, "Oh, GOD!"

It's very much like my feelings and emotional underpinnings about my relationship with God. It's easy to deny that there is any thought of a relationship when things are easy, under control, or flowing, it's much much harder when everything is coming down on me. The whole line of faith that runs through the movie is exactly how I feel. I have no proof. I have nothing specific to say that it is so. I do, however, have the experience of seeing all that is and feeling humbled, awed, and so thankful to all that is that I've had the experience. All that is, experienced, is more worth worshipping than any diety or church or, for that matter, men created through by the minds of men. I've realized that my covenent is with all that is, not with any specific church or people.

Hey, you know, these close paragraph thingys are useful. Don't have to do extra breaks to put the horizontal rules in. Keen. Small pleasures.

Trip's been really keen, lately, and being stable and nice and helping me when I've been feeling grumpy, sad, or downright mean. It's been nice to just hug him and talk with him a bit and he's always cheering me up. It's nice to have friends like him. He doesn't judge me, at least not nearly as badly and harshly as he judges himself. He is always kind when he isn't depressed about himself and really is good at helping out those that are in a funk.

Jay and I have been talking more and it's been fun. I even promised not to deck him if he calls me 'Phyllis'. Hmmm... maybe I should say that I'd rather be called Jet Girl!! I should send that guy a check for lunch sometime. I've a feeling that his cheerfulness is gonna help in much the same ways Trip's does. It is good to meet a fun soul.

Got a letter from Mark today, noting that he felt unsafe talking with me, that he kept walking into unmarked landmines of emotions on my part that just made him feel unsafe. It's likely true. I am likely still so hurt by all the things that he has and hasn't done, that I do hit back when he does hurt me. Problem is that he doesn't realize what he's doing is hurting me, all he sees is that I blow up suddenly. Guess I get to work on that. Give him better warning, would be a lot better if he could give me warning, too. But he's likely too self-involved and not at all good about warning others of his problems. Uhm... remember what I wrote about jerks? Trip, Marith, and Chrisber keep telling me that I should just bury him six feet deep.

Nice thing is that having this seperate means that I have my own definition of what I am. So that helps to not mix that up again. Hmmm... I can just hear Trip and Flynn and Cera telling me that I should not put myself through any more grief and any more self-blame for, of all things, Mark again. So I asked him back if he actually understood that he was doing the same thing to me.

And, yeah. I'm listening to other people's opinions on this call, mostly because I'm still too damned emotionally involved with Mark; and my friends and John were the ones that had to go through all the trouble to pick up all the pieces the last time. The least I can do for them is give 'em a say before I make 'em deal with damage that I do to myself by staying in contact with him.

We'll see what positive comes from this.

Hrm. He said he understood but then talked about how the two of us were trapped into a tragically co-dependent relationship and it's made us hypersensative...

I wasn't trapped. I got into it because I wanted to. I loved the relationship when it was good, and hate it when it's bad. He probably didn't mean it that way, and at least he does see that it was both of us and that there is a problem and something that was that isn't anymore. I'm no longer entirely dependent on him. I guess I never really thought of him as dependent on me. But that well could have been his own silence that never said anything. And, honestly, it was co-dependent and I am hypersensative after all the things that happened to split it apart a bit wider.

I dunno. I think he does understand that he does hurt me, too. I am not at all sure if he'll actually do anything about it.

At least I'm seeing more of what he thinks than when he writes nothing at all. And I have no idea why he had nothing to say about my hair or about my life when I did write him a letter that was a simple update. Is it just my own stupid thoughts that say that the reason he isn't writing me because my life isn't interesting enough to him for him to even think about anything to say? Complete strangers manage to say something every once in a while, shouldn't people who care say more? Then again, John rarely if ever says anything about this journal, either. So my reasoning may just be completely faulty.

© 1997 by Liralen Li

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