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July 9, 1998
a year ago

Recovery

Sore, sore, sore today. <laughter> Not so sore as I had thought I'd be, though. That was kinda funny to realize, as I'm not nearly as sore, in the legs as I am after PT with Rick. But my shoulders... yeesh.

Which makes a lot of sense, all in all, as I haven't really had much arm exercise for nearly eight or nine years. One cool thing was that with the way the handlebars are made my tendons that are the problem are the things that are stretching, constantly, when I ride my bike. So my wrists actually feel better after all that. The other is that by doing this I'm building arm strength that could do good things, long term, for my wrists. Hoorah!

Today was pretty gorgeous too. It was funny to read the entry a year ago. The sunlight is so much the same. Gold and brilliant, as a soft breeze rippled through the trees.

Some of the frustrations are the same, too, i.e. work having so very, very much to do. Though there's no angst or anxiety over going to the Horde in a couple of weeks. There's only some kind of relief. I guess I've learned a lot about how easy and straightforward travel can be, and while I'm asking Angie to buy me some blue hair dye, I have no anxiety about what it will be like to have my hair blue. It's just the Punky Colors stuff, which is likely to fade again, but at least it'll be dark again for a while.

I've nearly lived a year with my hair blue. How odd to realize.

I got some things done yesterday. At least I now know where I'm going to be for a while, workwise and whatever I do, now, actually advances the product rather than just patching and fixing holes. This is a very fine improvement. Yes. Also I have that Barnes tai chi tape on the table at home, still never looked at. I need to do that, still. Chemical relaxation is all very controlled and switch-on and off able; but it's not nearly as neat as tai chi.

It also means that in the morning, we had to get an espresso drink from Victor's. Not a bad thing, just a thing. The day was okay, and Genevieve's game went without me for a while, eventhough Sephar was on an adventure with Zebina. I arrived in time to find Sephar contemplating a jump down into Hell to make sure that Zebina didn't stay there. That was pretty amusing. Also fraught with emotional insanity. But we managed to survive it. Whew.

Home again home again... and John went off to a meeting with the new Moderator to give her his brain, so that she could do the job and he wouldn't have to worry about it anymore. This was a very good thing.

In the meantime, I just sat and read another of the trashy romances that Kathy gave me. It was okay. Not really good, but had some interesting insights into beauty and ugliness and the personalities with the physical characteristics. One of the things that I really empathized with was how much the two are alike, as both can be obsessed with their looks and what the looks alone do to other people, rather than the person inside.

Maybe that's why I love electronic contact so much. No one gets obsessed with how I look. It's just my mind, my words, my arguments that are presented. Then along comes the Web and instant cam, but even on the pages with pictures, you don't get my physical presense, which, in my mind, is a good thing, it's not a distraction from who and what I am. I often hated being female in this field. People caring more about me being an 'innie' than in what I could do. That just pissed me off, so much.

So it was something that touched me on that level. Other than that the characters were fools, and I'm not much into the angst of fools.

Fezzik and I walked while I read, too. Back to my high school days when I'd read walking through the hallways and never have to make eye contact with anyone. Just walk and read and so I did that with Fezzik and he was okay with it. We went pretty far, too, and on the way back a woman walking around in leotards and tights said, "Hey, you must really like that book!" and I just grinned vaguely at her and kept walking. Uhm. Not really... it's just how I read.

Nice thing about reading in the rocking chair is that Fezzik can come up and lean on me at anytime. So he gets his pets all he likes and I have a warm, big dog on my feet. Yum. I also spent a good thirty minutes brushing him out and ended up with a mound of fur about as big as a small dog. Yeah, he's definitely shedding and since we washed him last weekend, the stuff was fluffy and easy to brush out. He liked that a lot.

Quiet evening.

John came back just as I finished the book and we went upstairs, got ready for bed and then spent the next hour or two talking.

I'm not sure I'd be involved with any church at all without him. I'm just not into the religion thing enough, and churches have always scared me anyway. But now I am, so I am deep in. But there are things that I've not gotten into because I am with him, and it's well past time I changed that. There was a time, when I was going to do that, but then got so hurt by the person helping me doing that, that I stopped. But it's still the right thing to do. To go gaming, to play with folks that I can imagine with, to build stories, to build relationships again. And John's encouraging me to do what it is to truly be what I am.

Though that relationship stuff may only be if *I* am ready for that again. I'm still not at all sure about that.

The other thing we talked about was communication things. That was really cool. Kinda a meta conversation, you know? Negotiating the means by which normal communication is done.

The thing was that while we were getting ready for bed I was saying, "Man, my shoulders are really sore." and said it a couple of times only to realize that what I'd really wanted out of John was just a bit of a shoulder rub. Only I did it the way my family used to do it, which was express some kind of pain in order to get the attention they wanted, rather than simply asking for what they wanted.

So I swapped to, "John may I please have a shoulder rub?" which worked beautifully and I got my rub and a very clear reminder of how communication works with John. Direct and clear is not a bad way to go. And I figured out that it was likely the way to go when I get emotional. I don't really want John apologizing all the time when something goes wrong and I get pissed off, I'd rather he just figure out, calmly, what's wrong and get it to go direct and clear rather than trying to jump into the misma of emotion that was that odd and weird way of communicating my family had. He just messes me up more when he does that.

That was some relief to him, in that it's easier for him to just do the clear and direct thing, though he also likes finally getting in touch with his feelings about things, when, before, he'd just shut them all off in order to be efficient about stuff. So this is a step forward in both of us. That I like. I can be more straightforward in my communication, and he can figure out more emotional stuff. Kinda keen how this relationship stuff works, no?

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