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July 15, 1998
a year ago

Small Actions

Another drippy day.

Rainy and wet this morning, but muggy and hot. Really odd weather for this area of the country. Usually if it's raining, it's cold. So I'll likely take Fezzik for a walk tonight in the rain again. Simply reminds me of when I was a kid in Indiana and the summer rains were warm against the skin and I'd take an umbrella out onto the lawn with a weed digger and just dig weeds out of the soft wet ground, hands deep in the earth, the rain dripping, flowing down my skin, the sound of it drumming softly against the taut cloth of the umbrella. No other sounds but crickets chirping and bird muffled softly by the wet.

California had so little rain. I missed it immensely. Maybe why I've been here as long as I have. Love of the rain. I have a character named Raine.

Oddly enough this weather and my mood and emotional state have kinda dovetailed into something moody and sensuous, odd and different from my usual self. It's times like these that I do still wonder if I really am male, thinking of sex and sensuality, touches and breathes, what it would be like to seduce and charm, stroke and arouse. It's nearly constant. And the subjects of my thoughts are all kinds of folks. You know, no matter the physical shell, whenever I really, really get to know people, most everyone becomes beautiful to me. Each is unique, marvelous, interesting, fascinating in their own way, in their own structure and creation. What I want most is to pleasure each one in the way that pleases them the most, give them something to gasp about, to feel all the way deep into their hearts and give them something they've never had with anyone else.

It's times like these that I know, to my core, that I'm not monogamous, that I never will be and that when I try to behave I'm just denying myself, my nature. All that I am. But I try to pass. Maybe a mistake, one that I regretted for a time with Markleford, but not enough. I didn't want him enough to lose John over him, or to only go into what would have amounted to being another monogamous relationship in action.

There's this really odd Bud commercial where a woman's saying that men think about sex every eight seconds, and I asked John if that was true and he laughed and said, "Yeah."

I just blinked at him, because from how he acts I'd never know that. Always thought he had much more concentration for work and for other things than sex. He just laughed and said, "Nah, that's reality, all right... but we just get used to it and do what we need to do."

Yeah, I love him for how he tells it to me as he sees it. Straight. I never would have guessed, though. But that's kinda how I'm feeling at the moment, everything triggers stuff, and the romances are interesting fuel for the fire. Odd to know that what I want to do is discover someone, learn them and know them, inside and out again. After Markleford, I never really thought I'd feel this way again, but it's now deep under my skin, flowing with every thought and breath and touch. It would be safe and fun and cool to rediscover John, and while some part of me deeply wants someone new, another part still just doesn't act on it, doesn't want to get hurt, doesn't want to hurt anyone, so we ask John interesting questions and see if something sparks. It may well.

The rain was drippy fun. Wandered into Victor's this morning as it was hard to wake up from last night. Ordered food and drink and wandered to work, where I got a few things done, but not a lot, yet.

At lunch time, John and I drove over to a church in Bellevue and unloaded the entire back of the Range Rover. Since he quit Moderator, he's decided to be on the Christian Outreach board and part of that board's responsibilities is getting the food that Eastgate puts together to the Emergency Feeding Program. So we had dozens of bags in the back of the car which were all the bags and bags of food that the Eastgate congregation had gotten together in the past month for the feeding program. It was a lot of food, and a lot of families each pitched in each month to do so.

When we walked into the church area, there were beds spread out all over the floor, thin foam mattresses, sleeping bags and pillows. There were alarm clocks by some of the thin beds and small piles of things. People with no where else to live and be. It was so odd to intrude into what felt to me was a private space, but it was so unprivate in many ways, the windows out to the courtyard of the church, the fact that it was likely a meeting hall on some days. A huge banner on one wall proclaimed, "Rejoice!" And maybe they did, these people with a roof over their heads as the rain drummed down quietly.

We found a shopping cart in the back room and rolled it out to dump many bags into it, and then lined the bags up on the shelves in the back. Each bag dated and labeled with its size. Lots of bags. Lots of food. Lots of quiet help from a lot of different people, all gathered here, dispersed here to those that needed it. A whole lot of small actions by various people, to make things better, to make something right, and all the little actions adding up to food that could easily feed several dozen families for a week.

It was quiet work. Simple carrying, toting and while the stairs were hard on my knee, I did it all anyway. It was soothing at a core level.

Slow healing. The rain made my knee hurt some. Pressure changes are likely to do so for a while. Lunch was simple and straightforward. The code changes I need to do are pretty straightforward, too.

So life keeps rolling on, a step at a time, a lot of small actions turning into real things.

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