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July 8, 1999
a year ago
2 years ago

Swapping Out

I woke up exhausted, still, but we had an early morning appointment with the fertility clinic. It was actually a really nice meeting, all in all. Mostly went over all the results from the tests we'd already gone through, she laid out three methods of attack, outlined all the pros and cons and told us to figure out what we wanted to do next. No pressure, no real biases, though she did say that there were things that she normally did she did emphasize that it was our choice for the next steps.

It was good to concentrate on that.

Back to work after that. Breakfast was a small mocha and a chocolate croissent, John had a lunch meeting, and the Burrito Guy rescued me with a beef and cheese burrito for lunch. During my at-desk lunch, I satisfied a bit of curiosity and installed the Seti@home software as the screen saver on my machine. I watched the patterns in fascination.

I waded through test stuff, waded through folks calling in with problems with the new software, waded through some bugs I was seeing. Waded through plans and specifications and then waded through letters with Jenn, Mark's wife. Really tough letters for me to think through or write. Because with nearly no one else do my emotions become solely my *problem*.

John's not always been good about me blowing up, it's been a long, hard road for him to walk, but he's walked it and does better now and is pretty good about not provoking them usually, and has learned a few techniques for calming me down. I do it. It's one of those things that was kinda engrained in me as a kid, that emotions aren't to be shown until they get past the bearing point and then they blow out in hot words and anger to actually get past the fear of expressing them. I'm working on getting it so that I can express things so that they don't have months or even years of resentment pushing them into rage. I've been getting better at it, and John's been getting much better about realizing that it's just the way I work. This journal is one of the outlets, the safty valves so to speak. So I am better, I don't do it as often, and I know the consequences of when I do, but I can't say I'm even near perfect, yet.

I have blown up at other people. Flynn has had a fair share of it, John has had more than his fair share, and even Bryant and Carl have had at least one explosion. Charlie and Cera probably know the signs too well, and talk me through it before it gets to the explosion point. But I sometimes feel provoked into a blowout by Jenn and Mark. I don't really get why, but *boom*, and emotional wreckage in all directions.

Then my boss Steve taps my shoulder and we're on for a technical meeting. It was like my old personality shifts used to feel like, just a sudden *snap* and I'm in a completely different context and functioning smoothly, on the go, on the run, and dealing with the details at hand. The meeting was great. Good work, good things done and good communication shared and it was suddenly like night and day. The crisp, clean reality of the clarity of the communication I could do with these people was very sweet.

After all that, I talked with Cera for the afternoon, laying out all the complexities. She asked what she needed to understand and it helped immensely just to get my grip back on my reality. I also watched the Seti number crunching with much amusement at all the colors and graphs.

John and I didn't get out of work until 7 p.m. so we went to Good Times and I got one of the spicy, crunchy chicken burgers and John got a bacon-guac burger and we went home. Fezzik wanted our dinners, but settled for his own.

We went to sleep early, soon after eating. We managed to watch one episode of From the Earth To the Moon, the one about Apollo 2. We're getting up early to bike into work and I was still exhausted from the day before. Talked with John before going to sleep, suddenly threw the gear-shift, or something, and I wasn't thinking about folks that haven't been a part of my life for a year and a half. I was just thinking about sleep.

I dreamed of Seti patterns and searching them for something structured, searching them for flaws in the spacecraft and making sure, meticulously, totally, that nothing would go wrong... that was pretty fun.

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