July 13, 1999
Working Through and US Soccer!
Got up early today, partially due to Fezzik's new habit of getting up really early in the morning, coming to the door of our bedroom and whimpering at us, scratching at us, and shaking his tags at us until we get up. It was around 5:30. John got up around 6, I got up a bit later, and groggily took a shower.
I had just a little bit of a hang-over, more a case of dehydration than hang-over, really, but I guess that that is mostly what one is. It wasn't that pleasant, but not all that bad, either.
Got to work, got on-line. Mark appeared and told me that Jenn was upset and that she wanted to talk; however, he didn't say it... uhm... that nicely. By the time he was through I was just cringing. Jenn got on-line after that and we had a really good, really reasonable talk for most of the day, inbetween more specifications, interruptions by people. A few meetings. Feh. Tuesdays and Wednesdays are my meeting days.
I am finally of the opinion than Jenn and I share more interests than Mark and I do. Problem is Mark's a bit more... boundary driven about it than Jenn or I am. He really wants to know what I need or want him for, and I try answers on him, but I think both of us know that we don't really share much in terms of common subjects anymore or specific actions or needs or wants that can be fulfilled. It was really interesting that after the weekend, I've thought a lot about it all and there's some relief to not being in constant contact with someone that doesn't feel that my work is anything creative, that says that I'm wasting my time trying to have a kid, that anything that isn't 'art' or 'writing' or 'music' isn't any kind of creativity that he's interested in knowing about. While I do live my life without regard to his decision for his life, it's still constantly in the face of those opinions, which is harder.
It's funny watching him when Jenn's there as well. He's as eloquent, biting, and funny as when he used to be with me, but now he's focused on her, and that part is really good, that he has a focus; but he can't seem to understand that I found that interesting as well. Or something. He's already made up his mind about me, and I can see it in what verbiage he uses on me. None of it is particularly sympathetic. Though he'd say that that's how he always is, my problem may well be that I remember sweeter words and thoughts, and that he always unleashed his sarcasm on those that he didn't deem worth his time anymore, which did include me three years ago.
Jenn says he still wants to be friends with me. I don't believe her, not at a gut level. She says it's not about use, but with Mark it's always been about use, about what's worth *his* time or trouble. It's good and interesting to see that Jenn really is interested in talking with me for my sake and that she can see things and relate to things.
I've been, in the last years, since the journal started, and even a few months before that, while I was trying to heal the first time, to gather around me people that like me for me. Folks that are interested in what I'm interested in, who really value what I value. If anything, Mark did teach me that it's damned painful when that isn't the case. Genevieve and Cera both were talking with me on other channels occasionally and the contrast in voices and tones and thoughts were pretty astonishing, they made all the difference.
By the time I left with John to watch the soccer match I was exhausted.
But mostly good. Good to talk it through, good to straighten things out with Jenn, good to figure stuff out. Though it was mildly odd to realize that she might have, with all that, in a short while, convinced Mark and I to take a time-off from each other for a good long time. At least I realized just how many discrepancies there simply are in how Mark and I look at things, and just how easy it was for him to blame me for everything now, without any regard to how I felt. I could see why he might say it, but he doesn't ever make the effort, anymore, to see things from my point of view. Cera helped me figure out that all the frame switching I was having to do was a lot of the problem, the exhaustion and the effort. Not that that is any different than it's ever been with him, or that I didn't know that that was so with him. But, thinking about me, it's not like I need any of that anymore. I might take it when he told me he needed me; but why abuse myself when there's no gain?
John says that I always hope. Which may be the problem to start with.
It was fun to watch the soccer matches in Mile High Stadium, if a bit physically draining.
The first match was between the US National Team and Darby County, an English premiere league team. We were on the sun side of the stadium so were just baked until the sun went behind clouds and then behind the far side of the stadium. The game itself was interesting as well, the best of the U.S. against a whole team that was very obviously used to playing against the best of the best. Only pride, really, was at stake, so there wasn't anything where anyone had to hurt anyone else just to prove anything; and the skill and sheer speed of the play took a bit of adjustment after following so many of the women's World Cup games. The sheer capability in distance kicks made the bigger-than-football field pitch seem tiny with all 22 of them running about with 'the wanker in black'.
It was all speed and power, and spectacular shots and spectacular saves, none of the careful orchestration of defense that the women had. Here both defenses were just scrambling, relying on instinct and reflex more than anything. It was just wild and really fun to watch. Bodies flying through the air, all the aggressive play that was pretty physical, the play-acting, the diving, and the rocket shots were all really keen to see. By the time they stopped and shook each others hands and exchanged jerseys, the US team had won 1-0.
The second match saw the Rapids playing the Seattle Sounders in the U.S. Open Cup, which, I think, the Major League Soccer teams are playing while the national team is on tour because all the MLS teams have their stars taken for the national team. By then, the sun had gone away, and there was lightning and thunderheads rolling over. We only got a dozen droplets, though, before it rolled on through with more wind than I have felt in a long time. I had to put on my sunglasses to protect my eyes from the dust and the wind.
It was better than the previous game we saw. The Rapids played much better than before, and won it in the end. But by then I was really exhausted, and couldn't sleep when I finally got to bed. So it took a while to get to sleep.