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November 8, 1999
a year ago

Duck Egg Omelet

So another day.

It's disappointing, in some ways, to drop right back into what I was doing and how I was feeling before the trip, if not worse. It's just that time of the year, I think. I really have no real excuse. Cera calls hers that grey space and she just goes away for a bit. Me, I don't have that excuse. I'm right here. Staring at things that really need to get done, and I'm just not getting anywhere with them.

Some of it is that I'm not really sitting on deadlines that blow up at me. Too used to being yelled at when I don't get things done, so I have internal voices that nag, but not hard enough if some part of me thinks that people don't care.

Thing is that people really do care. I'm just not connecting, somehow. Anyway... writing Bob today helped a little, with one of the problems and getting my interest back into it.

Part of the problem was also realizing that there's no real good reason to keep up a meeting I've been heading for the last eight months. Nothing left to do there, we've turned all our ideas into the main group for decision making on them. Things will happen again at the beginning of next year, but all the effort I've put there I need to rechannel and direct.

There's also the fact that my schedule is so completely stuffed I'm finally at the depressed stage of there's so very much to do that I can't get it all done, so part of my brain is shutting down saying, "Well, if I can't get it all done then what's the good of doing anything?" Logically, I know that anything more I get done is a good thing. Step at a time is really the only way to go; but I just had real problems with the next step today. Part of that might have been thinking about staying at home today to work and just not getting that done, either as I didn't bring my machine home at the beginning of the weekend because of all the extra things I'd had to consider with the trip.

So I feel kinda completely discombobulated today. Lackadasical and unhappy and I miss the humidity and the friends and being able to sit somewhere and not have anyone that knows me technically still want to be talking to me as a friend. With some of that longing intact, I was mostly on-line talking with members of the Horde for most of the day.

I still got a few things done, though I honestly felt like I was doing nothing. Dug through archives for someone starting to do code on one of our older pieces, answered questions thrown in my direction, got a few deadlines that I do have to address in the near term, and basically ate a few Oreos, drank some tea, and got my brain slowly together to think about planning the next steps, but really didn't get anywhere that I wanted to get. Maybe being conscious of it... confessing it? This is a public confession, perhaps... a way to be conscious of it, not ignore it like I did last week, and just get on with life and getting on with what I need to do and having a conscious, clear record is really the only way I can do it.


So I went home, eventually. Thought through dinner on the way home; but John needed to get gas, so we stopped near one of the Asian markets in the area and I hopped into there to get some garlic, as we were out. They also had good looking Chinese broccoli in the vegetable area, so I got a bunch of it. Green. Mmmm...

Got home and put half an onion in a fry pan, let it cook in some olive oil while I cut up garlic, mushrooms and the broccoli and added the pieces into the pan to cook a while. Then chopped some basil and dropped that in along with a quarter cup of chicken broth. Realized, as I was cutting things, that my hands were shaking a bit from lack of blood sugar. Hungry, I guess. I let the broth simmer down to nothing as I prepped two duck and two chicken eggs.

One of the things I did do was go down to Steve's desk during the day to get some of his 'organic' eggs, i.e. he has chickens and ducks that he feeds good things and they eat it happily and produce mucho eggs. Beautiful eggs with yolks as red as the ones I'd only ever seen in Germany. High in taste, anti-oxidents and good things for you. Thing is that they make a lot more eggs than his family can eat, so he gives them away periodically. The chicken eggs are a little smaller than Large Grade A's, but the duck eggs are about the right size. The duck eggs have the clearest whites I've ever seen, and a mildly paler yolk than their chicken eggs, but still yellower than any commercial egg I've ever cracked.

So we had eggs and I even remembered to bring them home. So I cracked two duck and two chicken eggs, mixed in finely chopped chives and laid down an omelet that I then proceeded to fill with all the fine veggies. The whole was then laid on a plate, halved and John and I shared the beautiful thing with some warm tortillas and things to drink. That was very good and nearly the exact opposite of our usual ribs, potatoes and beans Monday Night Football dinners. It was very good and made me happier in a number of senses. I'd done something. I accomplished something that took energy and time and effort; and it turned out well.

Maybe that's why I like cooking so much.

I also burned the sandlewood, lemongrass, and nutmeg candle during the game, curious to watch it burn and melt and what it was scented with. It was such a powerful scent it was almost like a drug... and I went to sleep before 10 p.m., in part because I was still so exhausted from the weekend and in part because we have an early start tomorrow.

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