October 2, 1997

I was dreaming this morning about being on rollerblades, and wandering through this circus-cum-sf con-cum-performance art. There were singers and performance halls and ramps in this huge multi-storied concert halls in a building kinda thing. I clearly remember going down a set of ramps while someone was walking with me and clutching the railing on the ramp so that I wouldn't go too fast, but fast enough that it was fun. I'd lent this guy a disk with much of my memories on it, and I saw it a few levels down at one point, so I hopped the railing, and started back down the hallway that I saw it in. It started to turn into a stream, with big rocks dotting it so that I could jump from rock to rock, but I was in rollerblades.

What was funny was that I was nimbly jumping from rock to rock, and then they started to spread out...

Sometimes I wonder what dreams have to do with reality. Sometimes I think I know.

Today is my BIRTHDAY! Much dancing about! Jane and Victor gave me my mocha for free this morning. Hoorah! Mom and Dad bought me marvelous teas! Hoorah! And then then then! I looked into my cache of Internet files and found most of September! I'd been thinking that I should look, but IE's history folder is only a bunch of data about last accessed and last updated information. It was only this morning that I realized that having just that data didn't make any sense. Why keep the dates last accessed if it didn't have a copy of the file around to know that it hadn't changed? Anita Rowland, who is, indeed, an angel on Earth, reminded me of that again this morning by saying that she'd check out her cache at home for bits and pieces. My. She's changed to October colorways and it's *nice*. She's also got a quote that echo's some of the theme behind Cera's Journal's theme. On the way into work, I heard Time Stand Still by Rush and realized that the main reason I was upset about losing September was the loss of experiences. I can't remember what really happened without help.

So I wandered into my NT directory and found, sure enough 'Temporary Internet Files' as a directory. Keen! So you see what I was able to scavange from my machine's memories. If any of you out there can fill in the pieces that are missing, I would be much appreciative. The bits of August that are missing are bits that I don't even have titles for anymore... so it'll likely be a bit harder for me to remember.

It's my *birthday*! Hoorah! I don't think I'm ever really going to get depressed on birthdays, mostly because they're, for me, the celebration of the anniversary of the day my existance began. I don't usually think of it as 'the day I get older'. It's just a marker for when I started. Though 33 was interesting in that it was really tangled up with the knowledge that Jesus died when he was 33 and knowing that I haven't done anything nearly as significant in my time. Which gets some people to laugh, but hey, why not measure against the best?

Chrisber had the marvelous quote that he'd originally said a while back, and it was something like "It's hard to be mainstream when you're in the 95th percentile." I'm in the 99th. How can I be normal? Why should I be? Well, okay, other than in the ways that will allow society to let me live, but hey, that's not too hard. Hoorah!

Heh. John, for my birthday, called Netcom for me. First, to clear up what looked like a billing error and secondly to make absolutely sure that that account was dead-dead-dead. I was able to connect and login on it yesterday so I was frightened that they were continuing it and were going to charge me yet again for it. Turns out that the $6 'billing error' was actually the fact that the folks on the phone lied to me and they couldn't get the two dollars back for me that their errors had incurred for me. John and I figured that $6 was a cheap price to pay to get *away* from that place, so we just paid it and made absolutely, completely, and totally sure that they weren't going to charge me for yet another month and that was that.

I'm free! I'm free! Hoorah! *laughter* Someone on tooMUSH commented, at the end of August, that I sounded as happy to be free of netcom's account some people had sounded when they quit working for netcom. Sadly, I can see why they were so upset.

Late last night, I woke up. Somewhere after midnight, just for a minute or two, and I heard John wake up a little, too and I giggled and sang, "It's my *birthday*!" and he laughed and sang me the rock version, "Today is your *bir*thday!" just a few phrases. I went back to sleep, instantly.

I woke up again a few hours later, and couldn't get back to sleep, as I was thinking of writing the new root of cmuhep2 to tell them that while I wasn't upset about getting kicked off, it would have been much nicer if they'd given me even a day's notice before doing it so that I could have gotten my stuff off it. That was when I still thought I'd be missing a month out of my memories, out of my life. I agonized over it for way too long, and finally looked outside myself and it was raining outside, the drum of rain on the roof a soothing, constant presence, and I was curled up under our feather comforter on the new mattress, which is this marvleous thing that's soft on top, but with solid support in the springs and frame so it's the best of both worlds, with my two pillows, the top one that gives easily while the bottom one supports, and my body was nicely aching from the soccer game we'd just played in that way that feels so good. And I was happy.

Living for the present is so much easier than always trying to cling to the past.

But it's all those moments of experiencing the Here and Now that I try to capture in these pages. Time stand still... It's an exercise to get time to stand still for a moment and keep all those moments of Right Here and Right Now that I'm doing here, for myself. So I can remember. And not make the same mistakes over and over again.

I also thought about putting all the 'stuff' into the entries that are labeled with the day the things happened, versus the way I'm doing it now, which is to put them under the day when I wrote about 'em. I think I'll keep it the way it is, so I remember that the time when I wrote it gives it a different perspective than the day and the time it happened. The interview with Cypress was actually a lot more positive in the process of it than I captured in the journal entry itself, I think.

The soccer game last night was mostly an exercise in showing myself exactly how sick I still am. My lungs are still congested, and I was coughing up phlem all over the place. Whee... but being slower, I was placing myself pretty well because I knew I didn't have the legs or the lungs to run to anyone, so that worked out fairly well. Greg scored both our goals, one with a nice cross from John, the other as a breakaway. The field was soggy, muddy, with big puddles here and there and every where that did pretty awesome puddle traps, i.e. when the ball just stops dead for no apparent reason other than soft mud and water. There were at least four goals that our folks could have scored that were all stopped by the water. It was somewhat frustrating, but we still won.

Afterwards, my breathing has cleared up remarkably, and I was both far more energetic and more evenly emotionally keeled than I've been for a long time. There are a lot of nice side affects to real exercise.

Boogie! Boogie! John's gonna take me to fondue tonight! At a place called The Boiling Point. He said that it was an apt metaphor for our life right now. Hee.

Hey! Today is an on-going adventure! John just got me TWO birthday cakes! One of them chocolate and the other carrot with real cream cheese icing. Yum! And I found out why! (okay... so it was mostly to feed everyone at work, but that's rather mundane) It turns out that a friend on tooMUSH had her baby today. Catriona is born today! Hoorah!

And I have to admit that I kinda think of this web site as a birthday present, one day early, from the flick gang... Oh. For non-Caltech folks, the term 'to flick' means to go off and do fun things while you really should be working. Which, it seems, is likely the kinds of things I do to write this whole web site anyway, so the name of the site seems especially apprpriate. Hee.

© 1997 by Liralen Li

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