October 17, 1997

Tired today. Mostly because John didn't make it home until after 2am. We'd actually gone to the airport and picked up his parents as they came in from their month long trip to Turkey and Greece. We also ran into the daughter of the couple that Isabel and George had gone on the trip with, and she had both her daughters running around outside the tram door as she tried to pursuade them into the double stroller. John tapped her on the shoulder, said hi, hugged, and then picked up Sierra, the older of the two, and joggling her gently on his hip, he took her into the tram. Mom got the lighter and younger of the two, and I pulled the stroller after me.

So we met them, and brought them home, and John had a great time chasing Sierra around, playing with her, talking with her, and generally having a good time with her. That was a lot of fun to watch.

His parents were exhausted as they'd been up for nearly two days as the first plane they'd had to get on had left at something like 3am. So they'd just stayed up the whole night. There was nearly 16 hours of flight time back, and they hadn't slept much at all for it, and the Detroit to Seattle flight had been very, very cramped for four interminable hours. But they were both quite cheerful, and it was really keen to see Isabel skipping along with Sierra down the hallway to the parking lot.

Now I know where John gets all his ability to be cheerful in the most trying of circumstances.

We got his parents home, and I was so exhausted that I kinda pushed for John to leave rather than just sit and talk with his parents for a while, as they were pretty tired themselves. I slept most of the way back to Data I/O, where John picked up the stoat and I decided that rather than meet with the guys at Red Hook, I would just go home, eat something healthier than they would be and get a good bath and sleep. It felt luxurous to be alone for a while...

I got my dinner from QFC, and it was crab cakes and coleslaw. It was a very good dinner, and Fezzik and I had a good time just being together for a while. Just sitting next to each other and being around each other was good. I probably should take him for more walks, but I was so exhausted last night that it just wasn't worth it. Problem was that I started reading and by the time I finished it was about 1am.

So I started to worry about John. Finally ended up calling the Redmond Police department and they hadn't had any accidents reported that night, so I knew he wasn't dead. So I pulled a bath in the new bathtub and just as I was done and starting to drain the tub I heard the Stoat pull up.

So I'm tired.

John took me to Victor's this morning, and I needed it. I'm somewhat awake, but I think I'm coming down with a cold.

Things at work are somewhat bizarre. That's life.

*soft snarl* Okay. I'm getting tired of being resigned. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of not having focus and not being effective and I'm really, really tired of being afraid to give, to love, to all out do again.

So I'm gonna do something about it. A lot of something about it. Got an interview this afternoon with the folks that have the resources to change us around, and I'm getting tired of cynical, depressed, and fucking paranoid people. I'm getting tired of believeing what Mark taught me and tried to engrain in me, to only go for relationships where I can get something out of it. What about the relationships where I can give? Where I can make a difference, where I can heal? I'm also being tired of 'expecting' something from the universe when I give it something. I used to be so happy with just giving, not so hold-everything-back afraid that it wouldn't give me something back.

I'm tired of being afraid.

Amusingly enough, two cool things happened with Albuquerque. I had a very safe and very cool and very not-going anywhere crush on Kevin, which most folks that read it might have figured out if they knew me. I also found myself very safe and comfortable with Charlie. I need to get to know him better.

And I'm going to do my best to get the work situation to be better or even best with the way it's going. It's like a single month more of shit, but then we're outta here, and that'll feel very good...

I've been spending the last two hours training Dragon NaturallySpeaking with my own voice. The results have been pretty keen, and I'm pretty pleased with how it works out. It's getting about 80 percent of what I actually say that after only one training session, which is much better than the IBM setup that I had before.

I'm not really sure if this is going to help a lot. The problem is that it takes almost more time permitted correct. A than it does to write it straight. This may be due to the fact that it is just in training.

The above was all dictated. Hoorah!

© 1997 by Liralen Li

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