October 20, 1997

I have to admit that I'm getting tired of people who are tired and cynical and who have nothing better to do than complain. I'm even more tired of people who won't try things, who don't try to solve the problem when there's a problem that they can solve. Even more so I'm tired of people that bemoan the things that they can't change to the extent where they can't even see the things that they can. I'm tired of people who only make themselves and those around them more miserable rather than even giving an attempt at climbing out.

Yes, it's a rant. I ranted at John a lot Friday night, actually, which is likely why I was able to have as peaceful a weekend as I did.

Fucking do something, already, people. Shit. I guess I'm just angry. Angry at people who give up, angry at people who don't even try, angry at people who prefer to believe nothing can be done to believing that something can be done, they just have to find out what it is. Mark always said that it was a fundimental flaw in how I was made, that I always try to figure out a solution and enact it, try it, experiment with it, see if it works and if it doesn't, try something else, over and over and over again. He called it damned annoying. Me, I'm figuring out that it's a fundimental force in the universe. I can make things better, for myself and others.

I can now see that it isn't a flaw.

It's fucking taken me a while. And I'm angry with myself for having fallen into that hole and pulled it over me. I can do things. I can try things, and I do.

Sometimes I'm just getting angry at the people that don't have enough self-esteem to do what they really want and just sit around making everyone miserable when they can't follow through on what they feel they might do. Why not go look for another job if you're worried about your present one? Why not fix what's wrong, or find something better instead of complaining about it? There's no one that can fix it other than you.

Yeah. These post-trip entries aren't as steeped in reality as the other bits have been. But then I'm not getting quite the same things done with the same intensity of purpose and lack of distractions. Last night was mostly just watching some TV, trying out a few Darjeelings, and getting to sleep.

This morning was dealing with the fact that Mike Holley, who's been with the company for 18 years, asked to be laid off and that is happening and he's a very happy camper. There are rumors of other fleeing folks, and I don't mind as much anymore, mostly because most of them weren't all that happy to begin with and were having a time of it dragging everyone else down, too. There are moments when I wonder if all of this should be happening at all, if we shouldn't just all leap now before the darned thing is totally sunk, but the problem is that all along, I've believed in the product and believed in the people, even as I've hated how the whole thing's been managed.

This may well be simply something all engineers go through once in a while.

Heh... so what do John and I do about it? We get two dozen bagels this morning for the group with Noah's Schmeres and people come, eat, and we dispell rumors and get folks grounded on fact instead of fear. There's supposed to be a 1:30 meeting this afternoon, we'll see if it does any good. My cubicle is just filled with the scent of garlic and onion bagels, now... Yeesh.

<laughter> I'm starting to realized that I wrote nearly exactly the same thing on Friday. So it's a continuation, consider it something of a follow-up or something.

Oh right, another thing that has me somewhat baffled has been that a lot of people have written me to say that the Albuquerque stuff made for good reading. I'm glad. Now I just wish I knew why. Some folks did mention that it was 'cause they felt like they had been there with me. But why do people like that kind of writing? Brother Paul did say that there were good stories in it, so that I'll take, I think... I'll have to figure it out, someday.

© 1997 by Liralen Li

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