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October 8, 1998
a year ago

Stormy Day

The rain still hadn't quite come last night, when we got home around 8. Instead of going to Boston Market and getting bland, normal, somewhat steadying homestyle food of the great American advertising type, we stopped by Taqueria de Gallo, that place that is normally entirely filled with Hispanics for lunch. They're open until 10 p.m. and it seemed entirely more enticing.

It was well worth it. John got the shrimp fajitas, I just got a supreme burrito, with guacamole and sour cream and filled with carnitas. I liked the tongue the last time I got it, but wasn't in the mood for it at the moment. When we got home, we let Fezzik out of the pen, and he ran and bounded about and then I fed him before we ate. Decided to do takeout just so that he could get out just a bit sooner.

I managed to finish what I wanted done, last night, which was good, a satisfying feeling. Oddly, with all the work that's been flowing under my hands I kept thinking it was Friday. That was really weird.

The only bad thing was that the tooth that the anchor was loose on has been getting a bit more sensative. I think that some of it is decisively in my brain, the rest... it would make sense that in the absence of the metal plate and extra plastic that it would be more sensative to cold or heat. Luckily not so much that food or tea bother it, but ice cream does. I can avoid ice cream for a week. Also chewing things with the bridge is pretty much right out. It's just six days. I'll make six days.

The problem was my brain, you know? I was wondering if I could make a cavity in six days, but I realized the doctor probably wouldn't have let me go that long if he'd thought it would be a problem. That since I supposed he knows what he's doing that he made that reservation for a week later because it would be okay.

Anyway, it didn't make it easy for me to sleep.

But when I did sleep, it was with cool dreams about being Faber with Sephar, Daimon and folks, which is the best reason to play Fiat, I think. Just to keep my brain doing something other than dreaming about code and work and the like.

The alarm went off around 6:30, and I just groaned and wanted more sleep, and then gradually realized that I was going to get it, as John had set the alarm so that he could run off and do something and would come back for me when he was done. Hoorah! So I curled up and went back to sleep for a nice, long time.

The weather, when I woke up was gorgeous. Everything was getting wind tossed, and the rain was falling and the leaves were falling and it's actually getting to be truly fall, when everything starts to fall down. Grey sky, dark day, perfect Seattle weather. John surprised me by stopping at Victor's. It really helped me wake up. With all the digestive problems I've been having, I've been only doing soy milk drinks with them.

I now have a nicely DDTS'ed list of bugs, entered 'em all myself last night. Things to do and hammer on and get done.

Sadly, as I re-read last years adventures in Albuquerque, we're definitely not making it this year. I'm likely working this weekend as well as Deaconing, and it's just going to be nigh on impossible to take it off. Afterwards... there are possibilities as to what we're going to do or where we're going to go, but I don't know if it's as much as I'd like.

Lunch was a quick stop by the local grocery store, where I got a nice tray of California style sushi, just imitation crab, avocado, and a bit of tiny fish roe in fairly good, if refrigerated, sushi rice. For less than four bucks, it's pretty darned good. I'm still not about to get raw fish from them, but the simple rice and yummy stuff is good enough that I enjoy it for lunch. And the pieces were small enough that I didn't have to bite anything and with the green tea it was lovely.

Bugbugbugs. Chop chop chop.

It was sunny around lunch time, and has gotten dark again, since. Dark and rainy, sheets of it flowing from the sky, turning the roads shiny and bright from reflected lights. It's also sprinkled my window with droplets all over.

Kinda pretty.

Tired. Just tired. Got more bugs done, more to go, and John's out in the rain with the kids, doing soccer practice, that's gotta be pretty miserable. It's just pouring out there. Wondering what to do tonight, what not to do. Drinking plenty of green tea seems to have calmed down the tooth's sensativity, for some odd reason. Or maybe it's just my brain and calming down enough to simply sip tea.

Slow down. Listening to Madonna's newest album and it's slowing the pulse rate.

Charlie raised it in a good way.

Another friend did it in another way. Sometimes I wonder if he makes decisions just to see how I react to 'em. I'll respect whatever decision he makes. It doesn't mean that I don't care one way or another, but I'm not going to negate a decision or a choice he makes simply because I believe differently than he does. I'm a little too much into free choice that way. A little too burned by others doing all the decisions for me through their desires or biases or beliefs to throw my weight around with his decisions. He can assume that I would prefer something, and I know that I have assumed other people's biases, to my detriment and, perhaps, doing them no favors. Gradually I'm learning to ask and actually listen to the answers.

Amusingly enough, after living with John for more than fifteen years, I make the worst assumptions about him, and have the most trouble changing my views of him and how I think he thinks. My model of him seems set in concrete and I have to remember that it's not accurate, that he grows and changes and there are things that I simply don't know, still, even after this long. Something I'm working on changing.

But John isn't shy about his opinions and I sometimes have problems letting them become defaults for my own. Which isn't a good thing. Not in the long run. So I am, perhaps, more careful with other people and their decisions.

Anyway. It was an odd line to walk only to end up getting asked if I cared. I care. I nearly always care.

One of my base beliefs, axioms if you like, is that pretty much every individual has worth, has an individual uniqueness in the universe and the ability to create something that no one and nothing else could. That the universe, everyone, everything that touchs on that individual loses if that uniqueness wasn't expressed. Sure. Some people throw their worth away. Some ignore it. Some get it stomped on for them. But it's there. And everyone can choose to pick it up and do something about it. Sure, it might be hard work, sure there might be pain, sure there might be something to fear, failure is a sure bet as to something to fear; but that uniqueness of talent or capability is always there and always worth fighting for.


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