previous next index

September 30, 2000
a year ago
two years ago

All Mixed Up

It's worth it.

Fezzik was bouncing, bright-eyed today, and has much better control of his hind legs than he's had for a while. He was pretty much back in the shape he was about a month and a half ago, the two-block long walk we took in the evening made him breathless and tired, but he made it okay and didn't lose his legs. That was very encouraging.

He plowed through his breakfast like a yowman, and then begged for waffle pieces and melon pieces while I ate my breakfast. Of course I fed him some. It's definitely time to spoil him rotten. John made crisp, wonderful waffles and we had the grade B syrup all over them. Yum. Very, very satisfying.

Most of the morning was spent watching Olympics stuff. The men's soccer final was just breathtaking. Completely insane Camaroon against methodical Spain, and the first half had Spain looking like it was just going to wipe the pitch with Camaroon's reckless play. Camaroon was considered the underdogs as they weren't even supposed to have made it to the gold round. The Camaroon players were just nuts, leaving the Spanish wide open on the attacks, forgetting how to cover, chasing the ball, and all the cardinal sins of really awful defensive play. Spain got two goals at the beginning and end of the first half. One of them was pretty much a direct one-on-one with the goalie. Ugh. But then the second half saw nearly a completely different set of teams. The Camaroon team first scored one goal off one of the Spanish defensemen, and then they got a really fast riposte attack and got another goal. The Spanish started whining to the ref way, way too much and then one of 'em faked a foul on an attack and got ejected from the game for the really awful fake. Another of their players popped the knee of one of the Camaroon players (the damned replay was *way* too familiar for me), and got ejected as well, so they were down two players.

The Spanish held on, from that point, like grim death. Just doing everything they could do keep Camaroon from scoring and they just didn't have the people to do any possibility of scoring from that point on. They managed to hold on, through the second half, then through the first overtime and finally even through the second overtime period. They managed to get it to a shoot off! The very first shootoff for a gold medal in Olympic history. But having managed to hold on for so long, their players were really tired. And even so, only one of them missed. Camaroon didn't miss a shot, so they finally won.

The other stuff I watched I just watched. We had lunch a little after noon and I did Alton Brown's grilled cheese sandwiches, using the sourdough loaf, ploughman's mustard, and grated cheddar. They turned out really, really good, crusty and thin and yummy and really good with guacamole, which John made. I could probably have drunk some tomato soup, too, but didn't want to do the extra work.

Fezzik got scraps, and curled up next to me when I was watching the game and was content to lie there and be petted. Mostly. Sometimes he'd ask to go out and I'd hear him challenging any of the neighborhood dogs to barking.

I did a little journal writing and finally gave up when I found that I'd left the intermediate entries at work. We were settling down to a TV afternoon when I finally got tired of all the short-focus stuff, so demanded to go out. John was obliging.

We went north to Longmont and went to the Twin Peaks Mall. I have no idea who actually named it that, but so it is. There was supposed to be a cheese shop and John needed to buy his brother a birthday present. So we wandered the entire mall, from end to end and only bought a simple present for John's brother. So much for the consumer attitude. The cheese shop was a mildly pathetic Hickory Farms wannabe with less cheese variety than even our local grocery store. It was really, really sad.

John asked if I wanted to eat at the mall and I said, no, the mall food scared me. He nodded, satisfied, as he had a plan.

He took me to a little Mexican place named Deli-cioso. It turned out to be an order from the counter kind of place, with a bar that served beer and that was about it. You ordered, got your number and then picked up at the window. The menu was a thick set of grids, all filled with numbers and possibilities. So many they almost overwhelmed. There were even a few styles of Mexican meat things that I hadn't known about, which was pretty cool. Nearly fifteen kinds of burritos with three different styles; a dozen types of tacos with corn, flour, crispy or soft, and even a Mexican style taco; and dozens of enchaladas given the types of meats versus the types of sauces one could have them in. There were also a dozen or two extra toppings you could have on stuff. I went simple. Just a smothered tamale with rice and beans and a crisp, corn shell around slow roasted, spiced pork (carnitas). The pork was delicious, lean and tasty and tender as could be. The tamales made me think it would be much easier to just buy a few dozen from here rather than make my own at Christmas time. Tender, spicy, flavorful and just the right balance of masa and filling. John had an Aztec taco, which looked a lot like Santiago's Indian Taco, i.e. taco stuff on fry bread and a very marvelous looking enchalada.

It turned out to be a most excellent dinner. Filling and flavorful and really cheap.

We talked a lot as we waited for the food and as we ate. A lot of it is just how weird and complex and tied-together life is and how mixed up all my emotions are about everything. I have all this hope and fear and joy and wonder and scared and brave and sad and amazed emotions all whirling about. The baby's a mix of stuff. I'm mildly afraid of all the pain that's going to come and of all the work that's going to come; but I think I'll be able to handle it and there's also all this joy and wonder and just the sheer adventure of something that's all-new to us. Thinking about Fezzik is such a mixture of things as well. Joy that he's feeling so much better so quickly, and I'm enjoying and watching and paying so much more attention to him now. Yet on the other hand is knowing his odds aren't all that good for anything long-term. I'm going to miss him terribly; but I should enjoy him while I have him. All he really is, now, is for the moment. He has such joy in living and enjoying everything he gets, whatever it is; but he has so little left, possibly.

I'm not at all sure how to deal with it all or even if there's all that much to be 'dealt with'. Maybe it's all just life and I just live it and do what I can and be. No real 'good' or 'bad', just some inevitable motion of the consequences of being alive.

So odd to mix up such strong things at once. New life and death so very close together. We'd just been through the whole accident to my knee and those lifestyle changes, which was one step up from the day-to-day existence we used to have. Then we had the whole move and work changes, which was a much bigger step. It's like we were ramping up for this. Each of them just a bit more beyond our control, really.

It's different, in some ways, than it was. I mean, back in Redmond/Seattle, we had so many other friends, so much else to do, so many other things to pay attention to. When we moved here, it really was just the three of us, John, Fezzik and I. We even rented the seven foot van just so Fezzik could be comfortable. So we've gotten a lot closer to Fezzik and it seems he's gotten more fond and more accommodating of us, as he can't go wander the way he used to and we give him more attention because we can't just let him go amuse himself anymore. So we interact more, enjoy each other more and he follows me around a bit more, when he doesn't want to be doing something else.

Home again home again. I wanted to avoid the TV, so we first took Fezzik out on his walk, and then we actually sat down and did a puzzle. One of those triangle puzzles, with all the pieces the same and the picture combinations being the only thing that dictated what was possible. One of our old house cleaners had knocked it off something years ago and had written an apology about not being able to put it together. What she hadn't known was that since it had been opened, it had never been put together in the proper order. It was literally a puzzle that had been unsolved for years. John was meticulous. I was impatient. Between me putting pieces in wherever they might make sense, and John making sense of them, we actually finished it in about half an hour. It was mildly scary when we realized it was actually, really done. That all the pieces were in the one place that they really could be, and that the puzzle actually lay completely flat with all the joins in alignment in that short a time.

It was also kinda cool.

But it also left us without a puzzle to work on anymore, so we talked for a while, and eventually John turned on the TV and we watched some of the Olympics again. Maybe we should have tackled some other kind of problem together, but it was kinda fun to just cuddle up and watch.

Fezzik happily got petted for some of the TV bits, but then demanded out again. He slept happily in the cool, and I glanced out when we were about to go to bed, and he was serenely watching his domain

[ Previous | Next | Index | Mail ]