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September 5, 2001
a year ago

Flat

10:01 pm: I've seen Jet now make his way from one end of the sheepskin to the other under his own power. It's not exactly crawling, but he manages combat crawl, rolling from side to side, and scooting on his butt, belly, or even his head, and gets to where he wants to go when he really wants something that's out of his reach. There's a little wind-up train that he really has his heart set on, but it scares him a little when I wind it up and let it go. Things aren't supposed to move like that in his world, just yet, at least.

He had a great time at Joan's. That was good. Thing is that since Mom and Dad left, I think he's felt that his life changed enough that last night he was up five times, again, after the one night of only being up once. Ugh

Yesterday and today were pretty flat. Emotionally worn out and just really flat. I had no desire to do work. Much of my brain has been eaten by Vernor Vinge's A Deepness In The Sky. It's an excellent book, intricate and involved and believable in the most unbelievable ways. The language is rich and layered with concretenesses that touch on emotion. It's got great aliens, with the right amount of skew and the coolest way of getting the feeling of how it might be without making the language seem ridiculous when applied. The coolest thing about it all was the feeling of English being used to tease into focus a reality that English wasn't supposedly made to handle.

There's a technology in the book that forces people to focus solely on the task they've been given. It was interesting to read those sections and to feel real kindred. All the times when real life seemed like a stupid waste of time, when I could be working, solving a problem, or figuring out how to make something really work. And then also all the times when I miss that terribly, miss being able to really get my head into a problem, forget about everything else and just bomb on after the problem without worrying about silly details like when I last ate or slept or the really stupid question of what am I wearing. I haven't really been in that kind of headspace since after I got pregnant and the physical things took over everything.

It's hard to concentrate when one is uncomfortable, hungry, or so exhausted that falling asleep in ones chair happens frequently.

I both miss it and don't. I like having a life. I really enjoy having Jet. It's just a lot better, all in all. There are times, though, that I envy anyone that can concentrate on anything for more than two hours at one shot. I found that I even envied anyone that could just go to the bathroom whenever they wanted in an eight hour day. When I'm home alone with Jet and work, breaks come only when they're an absolute necessity and Jet's not upset about something or in the middle of settling down for a nap, a process that can sometimes take well over half an hour to an hour, so it's really dependent on outside factors.

Talk about a bad case of envy. Heh.

Today and yesterday were mostly just getting settled again into our work routines after Mom and Dad's visit. I had a pretty uggy day today, so after my morning meetings, I just went home and had a quiet lunch at home. Got Jet and mostly just sat quietly through my afternoon meeting, and felt pretty hopeless about my work stuff, though Bill had some good leads onto some things that I could do.

Jet helped a lot by napping after eating during the meeting. I actually was able to put him in his crib and he slept for a good hour, so he was in a good mood all afternoon. After my 1 o' clock meeting, I actually got my act together and started chasing things down. I had a list of people to ask certain questions so I sent all those out. I managed to get a few things back, and I got those answers organized so that I could ask Bill what to do with them.

It felt mildly odd having to do all this so that someone else, who hadn't seen all the data, could make the decisions, but he trusted my judgement on things, too. So that was interesting to actually make work. I haven't done that in a very long time. For a while I wallowed in feeling useless because I wasn't making the decisions, but then realized how stupid that was. I was doing all the leg work of getting the necessary information. That was something. Everything that I'm doing now freezes Friday, so I'm scrambling to get anything together that I can.

Sadly, my wrist is getting worse. I don't know why, and the splint really is putting pressure exactly on the part that now hurts. So that's suckful. I guess the splint made it so that my thumb stuck out and I must have sprained my thumb because of that, so the splint is only aggravating things, now. I really should get the doctor to look at it again, but I'm so swamped with work I need to do.

John did a lot, today, to try and cheer me up, and while it didn't really change my mood, I was grateful that he was trying and tried to convey that thoroughly. It's mildly saddening, in and of itself, to watch him trying so hard and have it kind of just bounce off the weird flatness of my emotions and brain. But it was good to give him feedback that it was appreciated as that kept him cheerful. It was good to have the walk in the evening to just talk about stuff.

One keen observation he's had is that I act very differently when my parents are around and when they aren't. I realized that some of the flatness of these days had to do with me recovering from the visit as well, getting my energy and myself back, maybe? I don't know. Whatever it is, there's been definitely some kind of emotional maelstrom going on in my head during the visit and now that it's over, I seem to just be exhausted in non-physical ways. Recovering. Still frazzled. And I'll get better. It's just time, in some ways.

Still, at the moment, I can see that I feel like I have a lot to stress out about, and maybe I should concentrate on lessening all that.

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Copyright 2001 Liralen Li. All Rights Reserved.