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September 2, 1999
a year ago

Wrestling Probabilities

Odd day. Done with the thing that was eating me alive, but there's so much more to do, but I don't really want to start because I'll be stopping for three days. There's enough time for small things, but no large things seem to fit in my head anymore. I just don't want to deal.

So I documented a few small things, got a few extra things into the surce control, ate a little breakfast of a cup of yogurt. At lunchtime I went out to find a few things. The first thing I did was go to Great Harvest to get some cookies. It turned out that they also made sandwiches, so I bought half a sandwich there. Then my obsessions got me and I went to the King Soopers and found both coarse kosher salt for cooking, regular unbleached flour (as we had two different kinds of whole wheat, which is nice, but not too good for cakes), and a box of cocoa imported from Holland. Turns out that Epicurious had a recipe for chocolate zucchini cake, which I'd remembered from an issue of Bon Appetite from way, way back. Sure enough, they had the recipe and I thought I should try it when I was laid up.

Nothing that's quite as emotionally satisfying as a piece of chocolate cake. It took cocoa and I wanted to save my Van Houten for drinking as I love it in water with a bit of sugar and anise, and didn't want to use it all in a cake or even brownies. So I'm set for all that.

Got back and ate lunch and talked with Cera a little, and the Fiat folks and the tooMUSH Horde were all very reassuring. Most of my friends are still on-line, I think. The ones that really know me, though the folks here are getting to know me. Had a small talk with Coyote about past and present and might have beens and grounding oneself in reality. Or at least doing it as much as is possible. I don't think I'll ever be completely realistic, as happy as that might make me, there's too much of me still tugged into the side of stories and myth, where things that aren't seen might still be real or, with belief, even more real than necessary.

Was thinking, today, that it's likely that the new millenium will roll in and nothing will happen because the grand weight of humanity's minds will have worked through the possibility that something cataclysmically beyond its control could happen and decided, as a whole, that it wasn't. Tomorrow will simply be tomorrow and the habits of a thousand years will keep going as it did a thousand years ago. There was this concept in a title I saw, about old-time gods and present-day risk management and how risk used to be viewed as this thing that was completely outside the realm of human understanding; but now it's something that is seen as something that can be 'managed'. The boundaries can be seen and used and weighed if not controlled. So, piece by piece, humanity figures out how to walk in the places where only gods used to tread, where fate and destiny lie within possibility.

Which is mildly reassuring in a grande manner for my surgery. I know the risks, the possibilities and the probabilities that are associated with what is to happen. The tradeoffs are evident and it's nice to know it all. On one side, not having kids with a very high probability of it remaining so; on the other all kinds of nasty side-effect to having surgery and a general anesthetic at all, but all with a fairly low probability. The thing is that there's some probability that they'll actually find something wrong, internally. The physical blockage that's made everything futile. The doctor wasn't very encouraging about the probabilities of that, but if there is something, it'll get cleared out and it'll be done with. My brain is going on the defensive to say that it's a low probability, so that if it doesn't happen I won't be disappointed. Yet, it's a necessary step, to know. To know what the next risks might be and what we can actually do about them, to manage them if not control them.

I'm still scared.

Still don't like the idea of going to sleep and, maybe, never getting up again. Small as the probability is, it's there.

So it is.

That new axiom coming up again. If something's wrong, I can fix it, there's just the possibility of a cost or a loss to do it. Trying even if there might be failure seems the only way get anywhere, really, the only way to reach dreams even if someone else might say that they're impossible.

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