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September 7, 1999
a year ago

Recovering

Tiring day. I am still not fully recovered and it was very evident when I tried to put a full day in and by the end of it I was feeling brave and courageous and stick-to-it, but completely brainless. Steve was nice and told me that if I needed another day that I should take it. I don't really know if I really did anything today, at work, that was worthwhile, other than giving a bunch of bugs to people that might be able to do something about them. Though I did some thinking and some class stuff and some interface stuff and when I could focus, I'd plod along steadily. Nothing wrong with the steady switch. I still, however, hated being 'in recovery' when I wanted to just really do things again. I hate being incompetent. Even when it's really being incapable rather than doing wrong what I could usually do right.

Just felt awful, though, when it was time to go home and I just let loose my own iron grip on myself. Grrrrr...

John got vented upon. Poor John. He did really good, though, and just let me feel and vent and be angry and let it slide off him rather than anything else and that was that. I felt kinda empty after that, just tired and in mild pain.

Eventually we got home in one piece and he made dinner while I gradually put myself together again. It took a little while as I was in minor pain from the day, headache and other stuff, and it wasn't much fun at all. One of the things I decided to focus on was candles, so I got four tea light candles from the closet, found an old tile from the bathroom, and setup a tile with four little candles on it as well as one of the crystal candlesticks. I found a blue taper, slender and short and set that up in the crystal candlestick. I lit everything and used the light to read by and then write by and eventually just watch change.

Candlelight seems to embody change. Change in the melting of the wax, change in the flicker of the flame, change in the gradually lowering levels of wax, and the overt changes, quick changes, in the shape and size and embodiment of the taper, which was slender enough

Dinner helped. A lot. Simple spaghetti and sauce and a bit of good parmesian cheese grated right over. It got my mood to even out, and John was pleased with getting dinner done and was much more even keeled with something under his belt that I was very pleased to receive. That helped us both even out and he wrote stuff for work while I watched TV and wrote stuff under candlelight. One of the European ink cartridges in the red pen had ink that came out of the pen brilliantly bright red and it dried to rust and shadows. Very, very tempting ink. I wrote pages of vampire-like story just for the fun of it and it felt good to do, just random bits and pieces of words and textures of words. That felt good to just play with. It's been a while since I wrote from fancy, anything that I wanted to write. It was fun to just watch the ink flow onto the paper, though I'm going to be glad when the red is done and I pull out the rose scented red ink to play with as well.

Gradually felt better. Realized that any votive holders I was going to get would have to be clear. I like having the light to write by way too much to give it up to frosted glass. I eventually made up a plan to get more candles, tomorrow, at one of the candle stores in Boulder. To actually just get my hands on some candles rather than email ordering them and waiting.

At dusk I went out to water the grass and I also fed the mosquitos. I'm going to have to do this earlier tomorrow if I'm going to do this. The sun's heat kills the mosquitos, dries them right up, so if I'm going to do this in full-heat, then they'll not bother me as much. As it was I think I got bit half a dozen times before I even finished with all the patches of ground. The grass, though, is coming up good and green and thick, so I'm happier about that. It's happening, gradually, but it's happening and the bare earth is gradually supporting growth. The next week looks like it's going to be sunny and warm, only in the 70's, not the 90's, but it also looks like Fezzik's birthday will be clear and bright, which is a very good thing.

I watched some TV, too. East Meets West and moments of Cooking Live which had some really good tomato soup and really yummy green tomato things, like apple and green tomato pie and how to do fried green tomatoes. Simple food. I like the idea of just roasting some tomatos, beating them up, adding a bit of pepper and salt and garlic croutons and having a fairly hearty soup. That seems really ideal and full of summer tomato flavor if done properly.

Took my painkillers before going to bed and slid off into sleep abruptly. Dreamed complex dreams, woke up at 2 a.m. and wrote a lot of them down, then went deeply back into sleep again. My side hurt a little from sleeping on my side, but it got better, and I eventually was able to just ignore the sameness of it.

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