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September 8, 1999
a year ago
two years ago

Choices

Did better today. Did something today, which was nice. Can't do worse than the day before or things just go to pot. Yes. Self-esteem is based on what I can do. Yes, that's a problem when I can't do things. Especially a problem that was damned evident with Markleford, when there really wasn't anything I could do that he really particularly needed or, for that matter, wanted.

Not sure if there's a fix for that.

Not absolutely sure if I want to 'fix' a desire to do things for people that they want or need or would like to have happen, especially if I care about them. Might be one of those things that define 'caring human being'. Maybe. Not sure yet if that's the case or if it just means 'gullible'. Not entirely sure that's a decision that I can make and actually stick with.

Spent most of the morning doing a few things, went to a local mall to look up candle things and bought a bagful of stuff to hold candles in and a few smaller candles that I looked and smelled nice. Mostly unscented stuff as I didn't really want to sneeze and there's something about only burning unscented candles when serving food by candlelight, which was a very good thought to have. I mostly bought clear things, clear glass tea light holders, a clear glass goblet for raising a votive, clear cups and a clear crazed blue glass cup the color of sapphires that should look really good with a candle flame in it.

Spent a lot of time today, though, going through the nasty bits of trying to get a flight to Detroit at the end of the month, so that I might visit with Genevieve and the rest of the Fiat crew. That was nasty. Eventually ended up on Yahoo's travel agency, partially by accident, as I was looking for American Airline's online reservation service because United's was giving me everything from $1000 rnd trip tickets to $600, which is just ridiculous pricing on a trip that's half the distance from here to Seattle and Seattle rnd trips are $169. That sucked. Yahoo and American Airlines got it down to $350 and I reserved a ticket but I didn't buy it. What finally, really got me wasn't the money.

You see part of the problem is that John's parents are arriving the weekend of the 25th and I really enjoy visiting with them. The other part was that I am feeling old and fragile and with all the talk about late nights, lots of partying, a twenty-something approach to mass alcohol consumption, and face-to-face gaming that's more in the lines of LARP's, where people actually *act* out their characters I was feeling really out of it. I'm okay with face-to-face gaming, like it a lot; but experience has made it very clear that I'm no actor and that I'm about as physically expressive as a block of wood. Okay, some folks might beg to differ, blocks of wood don't talk a mile a minute and giggle; but that's about all I do that's different!

Besides, I don't really want to go to Detroit, and it's likely that I'll get a chance to go to the U.K. next spring so there might be a good chance, then, of meeting up with Genevieve. It's also right in the middle of the first major dropdeadline, which isn't anything new and there's never really a good time relative to a very busy work schedule. Hmmm... all of which points to the simple fact that I really don't want to go. I want to meet Genevieve and the Erics and Em and the other MI folks, but I really don't want to be put up on someone's floor or be stuck in a hotel room well far away from anything that's happening or staying up way late or getting trashed. At all. I'm feeling way too fragile and old for all that as well as crunched, at work, to get things Done.

Was reminded of just how well the Horde treats me when I do get to the Bay Area when facing the somewhat daunting thoughts of what I might have to add to my plane ticket if I had to get a hotel room and rental car. Especially when the one game that's likely to break out is something that I'm not at all sure I want to play. There's something about playing with 'evil' being a way of playing with emotional fire that just goes against my grain and the one real game that's planned for is where everyone plays the demon princes of In Nomine in contention. I like playing good guys and that basic conflict has come up a number of times when I was playing guest star bad guys for Carl.

If it were only for the gaming, I'm likely to be in the San Jose area in October, helping the marketing folks train the FAE's and so I'll be along for that ride and likely able to stay a weekend or two on either end of that week. So I'll likely get *some* Horde gaming in those weekends.

Talked some of the details over with John on the way home from work and didn't really get anywhere. He's happy for me to go see friends, and there isn't anything that can't be worked around if I really want to do it.

I was feeling really awful on the way home; but didn't vent like yesterday, which made me feel better, altogether. John did do dinner again, and did the last of the cheddar hot dogs and it was simple and straightfoward with the last of the cole slaw and, eventually, a nice slab of chocolate cake. The chocolate cake did get me to feel better, but I was feeling a bit like I was worn clear through. I lit a bunch of candles, admired the affect, and let them burn while John and I wanted TV until about 9 p.m. and both of us were so bone weary that we just went to bed then.

I tried to call my sister to wish her a happy birthday, but she was out to dinner and likely to stay out late, so I'll probably try again tomorrow.

I didn't get to sleep. Too tired, maybe. I don't really know, but it was a real pain wanting to be asleep but completely unable to get there. Part of it was pain, part of it was posture, part of it was just my brain spinning around and around about the Detroit trip and if I really wanted to go or if I was really just doing it because other people wanted me to do it and finally realized that it was some of both. I do want to go and people do want me to go, too, but I also have specific reasons why I don't want to go as well and they may well outweigh the rest. Anyway, it bothered me enough, both ways, that I just didn't sleep too well.

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