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September 24, 1999
a year ago
two years ago

Friday At Last

I'm glad that it's Friday. Very. Exhausted from the week and the odd emotional rollercoaster. It's now a bit of a down, on myself. I don't like that I paniced, don't like that I have to get so worked up to give any kind of negative feedback. Halfway wish that I could be an equitable and be negative about everything the way some people find so easy to do; but I guess, in the long run, the few times that I am negative seem to make a big impact on the folks that I finally turn on. A tradeoff, I guess. Collect a big pool of pain and then blow up or constantly dribble acid on everyone.

All right, that was way too generalistic. There are other ways. Steve's good about giving constructive criticism when it's due and letting things flow from that. Nothing just purely destructive. I think I have to figure out a way to do *that* usefully rather than the emotional boost in order to do it having to come first. Working myself into a frenzy to say anything bad at all is bad.

But then there's some part of my makeup that says that I just shouldn't complain at all. That I should just suck it up, do all the work to stabilize everyone's code and make sure that everything works myself. The other half of that balance, however, is becoming a control-freak. I hate that, too. A little of everything may be the final reality.

I guess that as long as I'm aware of things I can do something about it. It just feels, sometimes that I'm a very long way from being done. So it is. A step at a time, and it doesn't help to get so down on myself that I quit.

It's one of those things that Cera and I have discussed, though. That need to be what someone else wants, instantly. To change and be what they want me to be so quickly that I don't ever count the cost to myself because if I waited and actually felt out what I'm feeling, thought what I think, then I wouldn't change fast enough for them. And if I don't change fast enough for them, I lose them. Completely. Totally abandoned by those who don't want me for me, they only want me for what they think I should be.

I *so* *much* feel that way about Mark leaving me. That I simply wasn't what he wanted and when I wouldn't change to be what he wanted, he went silent or just left. I don't think he ever even looked enough to figure out why I felt abandoned when, from his point of view, I have so many people who like me it's ridiculous.

But... I'm gradually figuring out that if I cut myself up too much for someone that doesn't want who I am, then I'm doing myself a disservice. Uhm. To say the least. And, yeah, I can agree that there are parts of me that I do dislike and do choose to try and change; but to have it all externally dictated is like handing my soul over for someone else to dissect.

Gods I'm glad it's Friday.

Anyway. The good thing is that John's Mom and Dad don't make me feel that way at all. John has stuck with me through really, totally hairy stuff, and I guess he's seen enough improvement in the last decade to be willing to it stick out a good while longer. This is good.

I got nearly nothing done today at work. Work seems to be willing to ride out my manic and panic and depressed stages pretty well, so long as I don't do anything stupid to anyone else.

I managed to make it to the end of work.

John's Mom and Dad came in a bit earlier than we usually quit as they'd been riding our bikes around Boulder and it got really, truly windy, so they came in out of the cold, which was a good thing, then the four of us went to the Taj for dinner. Yummy Indian food. Yay!

We then had them follow us home, and there's a pasture just a mile or two from our house, where there's a bunch of black cows and their calves. Right when we were roaring by that pasture, both John and I suddenly saw for white things frantically moving just over the pavement. John braked abruptly and hard, and we were suddenly close enough to see a paniced black calf running off the road into the ditch on the side! Luckily, we'd seen the hooves, the rest of it was as black as Fezzik.

I am so glad Fezzik is behind a fence now and doesn't wander the way he used to.

I made bananas flambe for dessert. That was fun, and they liked it a lot. Hoorah!

Spent some of the evening watching Iron Chef! First time that John's parents had ever seen it and they were most impressed. Then we watched the biscuit episode of Good Eats together and Isabel liked that a lot. That was cool and funny. I'll have to make biscuits sometime this week, I think.

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