April 27, 1998

Inchoate Depression

No real reason for it. Though there's some pressure at work and some other things that were happening, including my leg just aching for no real reason. The painkillers are only for night, now, and the ibuprofen is better done inconsistently as the stuff really does mess with your kidneys so I'm off most everything. So it makes things just ache. The only things that I've really found that help me get my mind off it are a solid work path or playing in Genevieve's game. Writing also works. So I'm doing a lot of writing of docs for the new design and trying to get a lot of the subtleties of the dynamic work into it.

But one small disappointment was that Sephar didn't get to meet and play with Eli, mainly because of PT Friday afternoon and having to leave a little early for the movie. The good thing was that good things happened eventhough I wasn't around. So it was nice to know that Daimon redeemed. Sweet.

But a continuity thing was bugging me even as, at work, I had to get something finished so that Bob could get on with the client side of solving problems. And the continuity bug was that Sephar was with Daimon when he was sitting under a tree, why wasn't Sephar with him when they all went Celestial? During the afternoon we played out why. It was a complete thrashing of the angels by the demons. Which fit, very well, with why Sephar was Not There, and fit very well with why it had no time to warn them or tell them what was up.

So that was good. Plotwise, it was most excellent. Problem was, however, that I spent most of the evening and all my dream time that night thinking through what had been done, the mistakes and possibilities.

It was a welcome distraction from my exercises, actually. Kept my brain busy while my body was doing the repetitive stuff. John was a sweety and got a dinner of taco salad together and we watched the rather insane turnaround of the LA vs. St. Luis Blues game, where the Kings were ahead 3 to 0, one of the Blues did a vicious slam of the Kings goalie, slamming his head (in mask) into one of the upright bars of the goal. The King defensemen did what all good defensemen should do and just dropped the gloves and *creamed* the guy who slammed his goalie. Problem was that he got a five minute fighting major that offset the two minute minor of the roughing penalty and the Blue scored four goals in five minutes. Ouch.

Oddly enough, I realized that I'd been mildly depressed all afternoon. Just sad and out of it, feeling all the inertia dragging at my limbs and bones and mind. Feeling slow and out of it and aching not just physically but in the soul and heart. I think that the pain was getting to me, or something.

However, somewhere in the middle of that emotional morass, some part of my brain started to chant that this time it was for good. That unlike last time when I was fighting back for use of my leg, when I was pushing to flex and to get it to straighten that this time it was for real, that I wasn't going to have to go through it all again, that this time when it was over it would be truly over. That seemed to help lift some of it. Helped lift a lot of it, actually.

Especially since the dreams near dawn were of what Sephar was going to do after he got out of the sewers... that was cool. Focusing on what he can do rather than what was done.

© 1998 by Liralen Li.

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