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August 1, 2000
a year ago
two years ago
three years ago

Conversations

The sky today was hazy as we went into work this morning. All the forest fires around us are making the air as murky as milk. I'm exhausted, the news about the co-worker's son and the whole thing with the obsession is really eating me away, and my brain just hurt.

Then had an email exchange that both gave me complete closure and pretty much blew my day apart. The closure came from understanding just how far apart things had always been. It also made me realize that being loved for who I am is more important to me than just about anything in the world. I am bad and good, broken and whole, ugly and beautiful, faithful and capricious, wise and insane, and if someone doesn't want it all, then too bad. I have had a problem, in the past, of changing too much for someone else's needs rather than my own, and I won't do that again.

I had a very useful time talking it all through, though, with a number of people, and it really, really made me appreciate what I have.

Geoff and I talked for a lot of the day. To start because of what I'd gone through during the weekend, and even before the letter, we were getting real exchanges that helped both of us, I think. Then he talked me through the letters which got us to touch a lot of stuff we hadn't touched on before, and that was really, really good. It helped to have him simply reiterate just how much he didn't want a primary partnership while he was so busy. It was also good to realize that when he and I clash it's honest clashing, no subversive things for changing one another. The whole conversation also helped me reinforce the reality of his love for me as I am, even as that fluxes and changes, and he's seen both the best and the worst of what I'm capable. His ability with words and his ability see what's behind a set of words really helped give me a reality check from the letters themselves.

We had a good talking time, and it was very healing.

Also talked with Brennan, and it's been a long time since I talked with him, even after years and years of knowing each other. Just touched on a lot of old things we still had between us, and some of the old resentments and mistakes as well as a lot of the good things as well. Memories and things. It's nice to know that if I really wanted to that I could, just by making the effort to talk with him more, have a good friend again. It's not like he hasn't seen me at me worst as well as at my best. He was pretty blunt about the fact that he saw that I'd killed off a significant portion of myself, and that he was glad I finally figured it out. We're still a bit out of touch, but I made the effort and that seemed to please him a little. We'll see how it goes.

Cera was really good for me, providing me with some outside view stuff that made me just blink with how obvious it was. That helped me tremendously, as it gave me an outside check with reactions that help me defend myself when I wouldn't have without it. Nice thing was also being able to help her a bit as well, later.

The jacket. The obsession. It's dealt with. Starling and I are happy with the conclusions we've come to with regards to that, and it should be just fine for both of us. I'm glad, though, that a real agreement is in both our hands and that's that.

John and I had a long set of conversations on the way home and at home. Some of it is that I now understand more of what he'd gone through, four or five years back. I could see more of why he'd always called it self-destructive, especially after Brennan's comments. Some of it was just that he'd had a pretty frustrating day at work, so we just talked through all that and he felt better about it after. I also went through the whole day with him and figured out some good stuff. One rather major problem with today was that with all the stuff happening, I forgot to eat lunch, forgot to go out and get it, and ended up eating an emergency can of seafood salad with crab on crackers and a CLIF bar. Not nearly enough for me to go on. But talking it through with him really brought home to me that John is someone that just makes everything better for me, even if nothing's actually done, the extra perspective gives me hope or just understanding.

I was a complete zombie by the time John got me home and he was sweet and nuked dinner for me. He's been doing a whole lot more cooking lately, and I've really appreciated it. Geoff once made a half-accusatory comment, "You like *everything* I cook for you." and I nodded placidly. "I appreciate anything someone else went to the trouble to make." I always thank John for the effort, so it seemed right that Geoff would get the same treatment. I felt much better with chicken, spinach, brown rice, artichoke hearts, and all the other things that go into artichoke heart casserole. We did it mildly low-fat style with non-fat yogurt instead of mayonnaise. Amazing the difference that makes, all the flavor and no greasy after taste. Was very nice to re-heat as all the flavors melded nicely.

Afterwards, John took me to Safeway to make absolutely sure that I wouldn't make the same mistake again, and we bought me a stack of Lean Cuisine, as I really didn't want the fat, as high-fat items, even the Stouffer's mac and cheese, makes me mildly queasy. So I have food! That's useful and good, too. Some variety and not too much money as they were on sale. It's so wild, on one hand having the insane bid up for Gaiman's jacket on ebay and on the other hand being really happy saving 36% on a grocery bill. A life of contrasts, I guess.

On the way to the store, we were driving in the odd, hazy twilight under the darkening sky, and in front of us, just outside of the light of our headlights I saw shadows slipping across the road. A group of five creatures running across the road in a gait more characteristic of wild things than the swinging stride of a dog. Then, suddenly, a blur going the other way. As we pulled closer, they were clearly coyotes. One on one side of the road, the others spreading, rustling across a dry field. Magic.

So, as weird a day as it was, it was filled with interesting resolutions.

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