August 23, 2000
Catch-up and Resolutions
As you can probably tell, I spent a bunch of today just catching up on all the entries of the last few weeks. Got a little too caught up in the panic of the moment and tried to do everything at once for a week or so, which always ends up with me doing nothing. Not a damned thing. I try, but I get so little done when I'm mired in 'gotta update work page' 'gotta do minutes' 'gotta design something' 'gotta update journal' 'gotta write stuff'. Luckily, doing the wedding writing really unblocked things and I'm finally hacking one thing down at a time instead of trying to do everything and managing to do nothing.
Today was eight journal entries and getting July's index together and I was even done before lunch. That felt really good.
Lunch was leftover cheesy mac with beef and tomatoes. The early afternoon had me finishing off some other web stuff and a few bridging entries that allowed me to put another chunk up.
Tired and everything and Geoff and I fell into a fight and we fought hammer and tongs for a good long time. At one point I was so angry at stuff he was saying I walked away for a bit. I probably should have stayed away longer and thought. But arguments, as always, polarize thought. It's either this way or not this way when it's a fight, which is all wrong. I actually didn't think, at all, his way or not his way, it was entirely orthogonal; but under pressure and the insistence of 'coming up with something' I was polarizing my replies as well at his level. When I could finally step to the side, it finally worked and finally started to calm down.
We came to something of a neutral point, but I could tell, when I went home with John that something still hadn't been resolved. My brain was in overdrive, and even in the grocery store, John mostly had to steer me around.
Once home and with some fresh moz, tomato and basil in me I called Geoff and we went through things one more time. This time with all the thinking I was mildly more coherent and kept steering him to what I meant instead of what he thought I meant. And then I made him try and feed it back to me. Took a while; but he sounded mildly surprised when he actually said what he thought I meant. It made sense to him and to me and we both felt so much better after that it was pretty astonishing.
I think the best thing is that both of us have enough commitment and faith in each other to really work it through to the end as when there is actual communication rather than just escalation of the conflict 'to win' it feels a hell of a lot better and we both learn new things about each other. The specifics help later. It also helps that both of us know it's not going to 'just stop', that it's a gradual, learning thing on both our parts as the reflexes that perpetuate it are long-learned and deeply so as old defenses that used to be really necessary. So it'll take a while, at least the frequency is going down. I should, likely, keep track of exact frequency to make sure that we're learning and figuring it out; but both of us expect this to take years to 'iron out'. Which doesn't make slipping any better.
John fed me dinner soon after that. I really wanted spaghetti and he made it beautifully with garlic bread and yumminess. I scarfed it all down and felt even better. John went to work and I went to go to sleep, but the pile of comicbooks and collections was sitting in the bedroom so that the maids wouldn't bother them. And The Invisibles collections called me to them. I read them straight through, both the second and third collection as I already had the first. Three hours later, I blearily looked up and it was half past midnight. Oops.
Luckily, I don't have to get up early tomorrow. Went out like a light. Which, for me, is a pretty good indication that everything that had to be resolved was. I dreamed deeply of the Invisibles, which some might have found disturbing, but I actually found comforting.