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August 19, 1998
a year ago

Growth

Today was an infinitely better day than yesterday. There weren't many reasons for the difference, but my attitude was much better today than it was yesterday. The attitude made all the difference, and I got more things done today than I had expected.

I made the appointment for the optometrist, asked the operations lady how the insurance worked for that, got a straight answer, and arranged for what had to be done.

The morning was spent getting files to copy into a project directory. It wasn't new code, and it wasn't particularly interesting as a problem, but it was something that I could just wade through and finish. That was very nice. No emotional spikes were raised, so it was pretty smooth sailing.

The afternoon was spent getting a solid spec for the next stage of things, and I managed to get one along with a note from John that we were going to have maids coming in next week to completely work over the house. Hoorah! It's been a long time, and it'll be good to have a clean house again.

My hands aren't any better, but I'm doing better about making the extra effort so that they don't have to. I also bought the new DragonDictate tool for just pointing into any Windows application and using the continuous speech recognition for writing into those windows. I enjoy the speed of the continuous speech recognition, and while the old discrete speech tool could go into any application, it got frustrating after a while to say each word separately. I did it by mail-order, so it will be a week before I receive it. In the meantime I use what I have.

I've been talking to Mark just about everyday, and it's been a steady, ongoing thing. Nothing bad emotionally has been happening, it's just been quiet and nice. There have been some mildly good things happening with the steady communication, which has been a very positive development. It's funny to realize that I may finally have a handle on how to build a good relationship. Most of what I've learned is the direct result of coping with losing Mark. It amuses me that he benefits from those consequences.

I've benefited a lot as well.

I haven't heard much from Raven recently, and I miss the boy. Ah well, I guess he will write when he wishes to, but I hope that it will be soon. Charlie returned this week from camping for a week with the SCA, and it was good to get in touch with him again.

So, John had to do soccer training again, so I'm here at work late.

One thing I've noticed is when I dictate I used the passive voice far too frequently. I also qualify a staggeringly large number of phrases. This reflects my speaking tendencies with frightening candor. Real numbers to backup feelings and they aren't numbers that I like. I had a feeling that my speaking was very different than the words that I type, but to find that the difference made for much worse writing was dismaying.

Now that I'm conscious of the problem, it should be easier to correct. I forget who it was who said something along the lines of "consciousness is the key to growth." I'm not even sure if those other words, but the meme seems a good one to spread. This journal is my key to consciousness, which may be why it's something that I simply have to do

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